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So this is thirty...

      So this is thirty. I haven't been writing much because what you probably don't know is that my new job is to write. It's silly and something I fell into and I'd like for this blog and my many, many years of needing to express myself and tell stories to go into me finding this path. Once a storyteller, always a storyteller. I like to believe that this is true. Since I was young, I have had so much to say. More than most can keep up with. With that, I either entertained and wowed you or sent you running for the hills. Either way, I've learned from the cues and have worked to know where I fit in and when not to speak but when to write down. It started with journals, then poems, then songs, then this blog, more songs, and then I stopped. I transitioned from vomiting feelings on the page to thinking more strategically for an audience and thinking about my brand what I wanted to say to people who follow me. I don't know who realllly follows me, but if I wanted to have a following, it all comes down to content. SO, in the last few years I've worked on my content. What will the people want to read about? What are my feelings about these things? Can I be funny? So then I realized, you can't always just write it all down in one run-on sentence. You need a point...I guess. I began to organize my feelings and write a little smarter.

       I soon fell into digital marketing and crowdfunding. What once was an emotional outlet, was now a job and I suddenly had to be perfect at it. "Fake it til you make it," they say. And I did my darndest and now here we are. I tell stories for a living. What is better than that?

       From my professional experience, I know how the entertainment business works, the psychology and strategy of crowdfunding, and now I'm deeply immersed into capital raising, IPOs, and REITs. Who would've thought this glass case of emotion would be pitching to the likes of the Fortune 500 and writing copy for brands? I definitely did not think I'd be here. I definitely have surprised myself. Then why do I still feel like I'm failing? I have gotten soooo far. I grew up thinking, give me fame, or give me death. Seriously, I'm not kidding. I put on the makeup, I put on the show and I loved every single second of it. I miss it. I miss the stage deeply like a craving you can't appease. And when I have it for one song, I'm me (a different me, but more me, I dunno), and I'm energized. I do know that as an adult and through some therapy that that version of me was definitely hiding. The older I got the harder it was to hide. Real life gets in the way and suddenly it's too hard, and you're too tired, and getting out of bed seems like the hardest thing you'll ever do. Taking off the mask and discovering who I was separate from my girlish dream was a very difficult thing to do. I realized that I didn't want fame at all. I wanted to be free of all the emotions of my childhood, free of my sadness, free of myself. How is it that even as a kid I knew that if I didn't slow down to think, it wouldn't matter and all the glory of the stage would glaze over all the bad stuff...I mean that is one hell of a coping mechanism. It took me until I was about 24 to slow down and look at myself and to look at all the feelings and really find out what it all meant. Why aren't I happy? Why am I not auditioning? Why aren't I famous yet?

       I remember a time in college when it was a time to go out and I had nothing to do. It was a party night and no one had called and I couldn't reach anyone and felt alone and forgotten. I remember being so angry that no one had called me. I remember being so afraid of just being by myself. I needed a constant distraction. I constant numbness from what I would feel if I actually let myself be alone with my own thoughts. There were no iPads or iPhones or Netflix. I didn't have wireless internet and Facebook had just started allowing pictures. Believe me, there wasn't a distraction. I could only play like two songs on the guitar so that only held me for so long before I went out of my mind. I was so angry to be alone. I was forgotten. I was afraid. And this was only ONE silly night in college yet it was the end of the world. I look back on that feeling, that evening and I remember it like it was yesterday. It's part immaturity and also a complete lack of my connection with myself. I was always a very self-aware kid, but in college, I relied on everything around me to make me happy. Everyone else was the reason for why I did or did not have fun. I was needy and clingy and wore my heart on my sleeve. After graduation I still felt lost and afraid and I wasn't getting anywhere. I was terrified of a lot of things but mainly terrified of being alone with myself, being alone at all.

       Here I am tonight, alone in my cozy apartment, writing this blog. I'm completely content alone with my own mind. I still get restless and antsy because that is just who I am. I have an energy. I'm constantly looking for places to expel it, employ it, absorb it. This is also why I pull my hair out and struggle with Trichotillomania which is at its worst right now. At least I'm no longer terrified of my own voice. I can finally say that after 30 years. I didn't get here on my own. But I did decide to. I decided to do the work. I learned about my anxiety and depression. I learned what my needs and wants are. I learned that all the small stuff is small stuff and to let things go. I am more forgiving and less angry. But I am always tired. Tired because it's a constant fight to keep the negatives away, the sadness away, the anxiety away, BUT I know what I need now.

       I learned:

  • I don't need to be famous or rich or whatever to be better than my past or to escape from being ordinary. 
  • I don't need an audience to appreciate my singing and songwriting but it's always nice. 
  • I don't need to be anyone other than myself. 
  • I do need to continue to surround myself with people who bring me joy and not pain. 
  • I do need to be more forgiving of myself and my flaws. 
  • I do need to pay attention to my body when it is telling me to slow down and rest. 
  • I do need to feel loved and cherished. 
  • I do need to take risks. 
  • I do need to continue to love myself.
  • A cat makes everything a little bit better 
It feels really good to write something for myself. Not for an audience, not only for you, lovely reader, but for me because I needed this. I needed to let it all out so I can come up with some funny sassy something just for you and get back to my content managing at work tomorrow where I'm going to kick some ass.

Happy December, bitches!
Xo, alexinhwood
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