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Trich: My Struggle is Still Here...

There are days when I forgot I have a problem.  I totally don't remember that I'm not like other people.  Yes lots of people play with their hair but with me it's different.  Today is tough.  This week was tough.  I have pulled out a lot of hairs this week.  Instead of punishing myself and being sad or feeling like everyone can see my imperfections, I am choosing to just STOP and take a breath and to be mindful.  Forgetting to be mindful is easy.  It's because it's so much easier not to pay attention to your impulses and to give in and to do what is comforting.

Playing with my hair, twirling, braiding have always been comforting to me since I was a little girl and it was never a REAL problem.  I believe that my anti-depressants changed the texture of my hair as medications tend to do.  So while my anxieties and depression was lifted my nuanced hair pulling began because my hair just felt different and I wanted to get rid of the ones that felt weird, different, bad, damaged.

This week has been bad.  And yes I am disappointed in myself.  I see all the tiny hairs that stand straight up and I have to use clear mascara to mat them down.  My scalp hurts actually from pulling too many good hairs from my part.  I hate that I can feel it.  My scalp, tingling and in somewhat painful fashion and it only draws MORE attention to my head and then I want to pull or twirl.  Blogging this is helping my process.  It is in fact, keeping me hands busy, which is a good thing.

I took a break from knitting, so maybe that's why I've pulled more lately.  I even bought another worry stone to keep with me, but I left it at home.  My fiddle toys sit in a drawer and now I'm back to square one.

Where to go from here.  I was doing soooooo good.  Good enough to not think that I literally rip my hair out because its cathartic, it feels good, it's making my hair more perfect, but having less hair in fact makes me feel less beautiful and more damaged than before.  Granted I don't have this as bad as others, but it does affect my life, my mental processes, my perception of myself, every day.

So just because I still have eyebrows and eyelashes and mostly a full head of hair, doesn't mean I don't have a real problem.  I definitely don't want to have large bald patches.  I need to be mindful and I need to not be angry with myself.  Everyone has a unique journey.

It's silly that my anxious energies come out in this way when I seemed to have solved a lot of my tummy problems.  And then this began.  With me there is always something.

This post doesn't necessarily have a point.  It's more of a vomiting of words to get out what my day today has been so far, in my Trich world.  But I am beautiful, I am loved and so are all of you.

I hope this reaches those who have a similar issue with impulse control and the need to pull.

let's stop the pull, together!

I am taking Hairburst to help me grow my hair and it has worked so far and is the only supplement that doesn't upset my stomach.  Check out their Instagram for lots of hair growth inspo!

@hairburst

You can check my referral link here! http://my.hairburst.com/x/yiAmai






Best,
Alexandria
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