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The Price of Feeling Beautiful

2010 - 110lbs
                                                                       2014 - 130lbs

From not healthy...

I can honestly say that I am happier now with my body than I have ever been. I used to have a flat stomach and my ribs would show. I thought I was beautiful. Even though people were always complimenting me on my small size, I was never quite content. I didn't feel like a healthy woman that loved herself. I was always hungry, anxious and set on maintaining this "perfect" ideal. When you constantly receive compliments on your small frame you start to develop a sort of disorder all of your own. One that is, to constantly maintain perfection, to constantly be what people admire. I felt that if was ever bloated or gained a pound, that everyone would notice. I was afraid people would say to me, What happened? You used to be so skinny? But when I got the help I needed in regards to my anxiety and depression, I did gain the weight I needed. It was and has been a struggle to adjust to my new curves and no longer perfectly flat stomach. But I am so much happier and appreciative of my new physique. I take pride that I have more energy to go to the gym and it feels like a reward to take care of myself. I have more muscle and yes I weigh more than I used to, but I realized that the number doesn't matter. I don't care what size I wear anymore, I care about what makes me feel good. I go shopping now and I too, get discouraged. I try on the size I used to be, and then I think, well shit, what was I thinking, I'm not a miniature person anymore. I look at teen clothes and they look minuscule, but I used to shop there, well into my 20's. But now, I grab the medium or the Large or even the size 6 or 8 and think, I don't even care, I just want it to fit well. Sometimes I can't find a single flattering thing and sometimes I get lucky. Why is it that women feel like we are supposed to look good in everything. That's really impossible. I would rather be me than a clotheshorse, than a 5'10" model, yes any day I'd rather be me. It took a long time to be okay with being normal. It took a long time to love myself. Once I STOPPED being so harsh on myself, I realized that comparing and hoping and wishing to be like anyone else was just ridiculous. I hope women can learn to love themselves more and more as I have. The older I get the more I enjoy how my body changes. I am still struggling with pulling out my hair but I am working on it everyday. I do feel ashamed and dumb that I can't seem to kick the habit. Even typing this, helps to keep my hands busy, which means that I am not pulling. We all have flaws. But I've learned to not persecute myself so harshly to just acknowledge that I may not do everything the way I wish, but I can grow and evolve and become better every day. The Price of feeling beautiful is free. You just have to do the work, and to stop seeing yourself through a distorted lens. Embrace each unique part of you and love it. The more confident and accepting you are of those parts, the more others will follow suit. You attract what you are, so LOVE yourself, expand your vision of beauty, forgive yourself of flaws and imperfections, embrace your individuality, experience your own vision of sexy... ...then you will ACHIEVE LOVE and be able to give it and be able to accomplish wellness.

Sometimes skinnier ISNT BETTER.  Sometimes it means you need to assess what is keeping you from eating, why you aren't happy, and what you can do to change for the better. <3

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