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Trich (Hair Pulling) - My struggle goes on

Right now I feel tingling. On my scalp. I do not feel stressed but my hands want to pull.  They want to sort out the bad hairs and feel victorious once I free them from their prison, my head.  I feel instant joy and then instant disappointment that I've done this again, and again throughout the day. I needed that hair that took two years to grow and now its gone.  But I want to keep going, because its soothing.  To pick out perfections, to make myself more perfect.  I don't cognitively access this, I just behaviorally, unconsciously do.  All day long I go through this cycle.  Feeling, pulling..happy, sad, disappointment.  I feel more perfect, yet more ugly, because I've done what you shouldn't... I hate it, I hate myself for doing it but I keep going.

Right now I'm typing, but my head is tingling and I'd rather stop typing and start twirling my hair...and if I find a bad one, a course hair I will pull it out and feel successful.  It's sad.  I hate it.

But why do I want to do it so badly?  Why is it so awesome, yet so awful.  I'm getting a haircut on Friday so I can start fresh for the 3rd time.  3rd time I've gotten a haircut to fix what I've ruined.  This way I wont look at myself frustrated, mad and angry that I've made my hair look uneven and I always feel disgusting.  I want to grow my hair long, but right now I'm trying to even out the unevenness.  It's not pretty, well not to me.

I want to wash my hair everyday now, sometimes multiple times.  To start over, to feel clean, to reset my scalp because after a shower I haven't pulled yet and I feel like I don't have an issue, until I do and then it's all downhill from there.  It literally is like an itch you can't scratch.

Now, I've alllllways played with my hair and twirled and braided but it wasn't until the texture changed that i started pulling.  It's been a year now and luckily I can hide it mostly, but it there, people notice and people comment on my pulling out my hair.  Whats even worse is that after I pull, I curl it with my teeth.  I feel the hair and the coarseness and then curl it like a ribbon in scissors.  It's become such an odd habit but I do it anyway and people have pointed out that that is weird as fuck.  It's true, it is.

I guess I have worked on my anxiousness in many ways.  Therapy, meds, meditation...my stomach problems have ceased.  But it seems my anxious energies get out in this malignant form that's common in women in their late twenties. I'm hoping that writing this out will help me acknowledge this very real problem and not let me pretend it's not a big deal.  It's affecting my life, how people view me and my ability to grow out my hair and feel beautiful.

I am not unhappy, I am great. But this is hurting me. I am hurting myself.  I used to have awesome long hair and now I am just trying to fix it all the time.  I'm hoping that this haircut, this time and some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help me overcome and crack the habit.

Has anyone reading had any issues with this or found something that was successful for them? Please share/email/tweet me!

@alexinhwood
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