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Stream of Consciousness

I read an article recently having to do with being in love with love.  Or chasing that feeling of drama and excitement and dating people you know are wrong for you.  Then you get all upset that they don't treat you right and you can do better; but you torture yourself because it's love, right? RIGHT? Doubtful.  There are so many different forms of love.  How do you know for sure its the good kind, the right kind, is there a right kind of love?  I know there's healthy and unhealthy love, but what is the best kind and can it last?

I used to be afraid to find my person.  I wanted it so badly, but in my mind also I was terrified because, when the search is over, are you bored? Relieved? Stuck? Happy?

A lot of my life has been encloaked in fear.  As a kid and also as an adult, I had to learn face it straight on, versus cowering and running away and feeling that feeling where you really wish you could avoid the trouble and disappear completely.  This somehow taught me to be depressed and feel trapped all of the time.  I felt that the world was against me, crushing me, hating me.  But it was how I was addressing the world that kept me so low.  It was how my brain perceives pain, interactions and ultimately, the intensity of emotions.  My brain accentuates the emotions to an unrealistic and unmanageable level.  I have spent my young adult life, testing and trying to make this easier for me and others with therapy and medication.  Some people just need regulators and I am one of those people.  I am not damaged or crazy, I just need some direction, some calm added to my overactive emotions.

Now that I feel like I have handle on things, I feel sometimes that I don't feel enough.  I've spent 27 years overwhelming myself and everyone around me and now I'm just fine. FINE.  Fine is boring, okay is boring. BUT it is manageable and I'm not constantly angry and hating everything, and I am not crying for no reason

Its a learning time, a confusing time..  I know so much more about what I need from myself and from others.  I guess I am lucky that way so I know so much, that I've done the work.  Some never do it, and some don't until way later in life.  I am so aware, sometimes I am taken out of the present, because I'm busy processing.  So I try to be mindful of my actions and thoughts but also exist more in the present so I can enjoy my experiences as they happen.

I am still ripping out my hair.  I cannot figure out how to stop.  I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.  I can't decide if I am punishing myself or if its really just stress and anxiety coming out one way or another.  My fear is that I will have terrible ugly hair and that I won't be able to hide what I have done.  I'm so scared but I cannot stop.

I feel like I am okay.  I'm not unhappy.  But something is off again.  I can't pin point what it is.  My body needs some attention...I need something... I don't know what it is.  But something is off...

Somehow I am not connecting, and I am not sure how to re-engage.  I am open about my needs mostly, but I don't feel like that they are being attuned to.  There's a distance and there's a closeness I crave from the one that is near, but isn't.  maybe that's where all the anxiety is from...I'm giving all of myself....again...and I'm not sure what I am getting is enough.   Will anyone be able to give me what I need?  Am I even worthy?  Why am I so willing to give and others so afraid?  Why am I always exhausted?


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