Skip to main content

Stream of Consciousness

I read an article recently having to do with being in love with love.  Or chasing that feeling of drama and excitement and dating people you know are wrong for you.  Then you get all upset that they don't treat you right and you can do better; but you torture yourself because it's love, right? RIGHT? Doubtful.  There are so many different forms of love.  How do you know for sure its the good kind, the right kind, is there a right kind of love?  I know there's healthy and unhealthy love, but what is the best kind and can it last?

I used to be afraid to find my person.  I wanted it so badly, but in my mind also I was terrified because, when the search is over, are you bored? Relieved? Stuck? Happy?

A lot of my life has been encloaked in fear.  As a kid and also as an adult, I had to learn face it straight on, versus cowering and running away and feeling that feeling where you really wish you could avoid the trouble and disappear completely.  This somehow taught me to be depressed and feel trapped all of the time.  I felt that the world was against me, crushing me, hating me.  But it was how I was addressing the world that kept me so low.  It was how my brain perceives pain, interactions and ultimately, the intensity of emotions.  My brain accentuates the emotions to an unrealistic and unmanageable level.  I have spent my young adult life, testing and trying to make this easier for me and others with therapy and medication.  Some people just need regulators and I am one of those people.  I am not damaged or crazy, I just need some direction, some calm added to my overactive emotions.

Now that I feel like I have handle on things, I feel sometimes that I don't feel enough.  I've spent 27 years overwhelming myself and everyone around me and now I'm just fine. FINE.  Fine is boring, okay is boring. BUT it is manageable and I'm not constantly angry and hating everything, and I am not crying for no reason

Its a learning time, a confusing time..  I know so much more about what I need from myself and from others.  I guess I am lucky that way so I know so much, that I've done the work.  Some never do it, and some don't until way later in life.  I am so aware, sometimes I am taken out of the present, because I'm busy processing.  So I try to be mindful of my actions and thoughts but also exist more in the present so I can enjoy my experiences as they happen.

I am still ripping out my hair.  I cannot figure out how to stop.  I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.  I can't decide if I am punishing myself or if its really just stress and anxiety coming out one way or another.  My fear is that I will have terrible ugly hair and that I won't be able to hide what I have done.  I'm so scared but I cannot stop.

I feel like I am okay.  I'm not unhappy.  But something is off again.  I can't pin point what it is.  My body needs some attention...I need something... I don't know what it is.  But something is off...

Somehow I am not connecting, and I am not sure how to re-engage.  I am open about my needs mostly, but I don't feel like that they are being attuned to.  There's a distance and there's a closeness I crave from the one that is near, but isn't.  maybe that's where all the anxiety is from...I'm giving all of myself....again...and I'm not sure what I am getting is enough.   Will anyone be able to give me what I need?  Am I even worthy?  Why am I so willing to give and others so afraid?  Why am I always exhausted?

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To be or not to be...different

Uh oh. Here comes another anecdotal and self-aware journal entry blog post. Yup. You guessed it. So, shall we?

A lot has changed. New year, new President, new ban, new ideas...yet I am still me. New endeavors are in the midst.

I have since decreased most of my medications. And now I'm more me than I have been in 3 years. It's good and bad. I stopped therapy due to not having insurance but plan to go back once I find a new doc on my plan. Starting over....ugh. Not going to be fun.

But here I want to write down my struggle. I struggle to be who I think I need to be and who I am naturally. It's not about being cool or fitting in at this point. I already know I have a lot of "personality." About enough for two or three people. That's either your thing or it's not. Some call it quirky, unique, crazy, lots of different things. I've always had to edit myself in crowds and at work, in school...everywhere. That is why being on the stage was so easy for…

Candwich is back...back again!

The Candwich - Sandwich in a Can
The Candwich - Novelty? Gag Gift? Joke? Lunch? I'd say all of the above. This "sandwich in a can" is definitely silly and weird and I can't tell if it's the best thing in the world or the worst thing in world. Irregardless, I have had the opportunity of working with the Founder, Mark Kirkland, or as some call him the "Earl of Candwich." He is a genuine person and truly wants to give back and help "can" hunger. Mark is no stranger to controversy and has had his fair share of hiccups along the way in building his Candwich-opoly.

A Viral Sensation
Candwich went viral in 2010 when the New York Times broke the story about a rogue investor who ran a Ponzi Scheme and stole upwards of $145 million from creditors who wanted to invest in Mark One Foods Corp, Candwich's parent company. It took a long time to settle with creditors but Mark has successfully regained control of Candwich and wants to bring his sandwich in …

So this is thirty...

So this is thirty. I haven't been writing much because what you probably don't know is that my new job is to write. It's silly and something I fell into and I'd like for this blog and my many, many years of needing to express myself and tell stories to go into me finding this path. Once a storyteller, always a storyteller. I like to believe that this is true. Since I was young, I have had so much to say. More than most can keep up with. With that, I either entertained and wowed you or sent you running for the hills. Either way, I've learned from the cues and have worked to know where I fit in and when not to speak but when to write down. It started with journals, then poems, then songs, then this blog, more songs, and then I stopped. I transitioned from vomiting feelings on the page to thinking more strategically for an audience and thinking about my brand what I wanted to say to people who follow me. I don't know who realllly follows me, but if I w…