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Reflections: 2013

This year was a learning year and one that is very unique.  This year I had to understand how to be happy and to let myself enjoy it.  This year I seized the moment, lived in the present and said goodbye to fear.  I shed my unworthiness, I loved myself, and in turn received much love.  I was a rock for another, I was strong during hardship and I let myself be imperfect.  I improved upon listening and communicating and in understanding the needs of others.  I feel less inclined to be the center of attention or to try too hard to be noticed.  I have worked on the act of being...just being, not performing.  Looking inside myself and really working to know what that means and what it feels like....to exist without trying, judging, obsessing, fearing...
some people never learn this...but I aim to.  My partner, he helps me to understand myself and my flaws, but he never condescends or punishes.  He accepts me and lets me figure things out, mainly because he knows I love a challenge and I am constantly striving to better myself.  We are never done are we, growing... I want to always grow and evolve...as much as I love to be rooted and master my art, be the best, win the race...it's comforting and scary at the same time that my brain is always evolving and who I am is evolving...how I love is evolving and how I understand becomes deeper and more true.  My childhood innocence is completely behind me and I now take on the role of caretaker, homemaker, lover instead of student, child or novice.  I atone for my sins, I accept my responsibilities and I bask in the glory of aging.  I enjoy the knowledge I have now, I laugh at past mistakes, and I take a step forward into this next year with a feeling of agility.

I can do anything.

I don't think I honestly ever really believed this statement until this year, mainly because I have been a huge force of negativity against myself for so long.  I can do anything I put my mind to as long as I don't get into my own way.  I can search for new passions and let go of the old.  I can dream but still appreciate the now without getting lost in the clouds.  I can reward myself for meeting goals and know that I am allowed to fall.  But I won't rest there, I will get up again.  There is so much to see, to learn, to become.  The journey I have been on has taught me these things.  I used to be naive and blind to it all.  I think age and my self-work look good on me at this time.  I am ready for the next steps.  Whatever they may be.  I'm finally okay, at peace and willing to go out of my comfort zone.  After 10 years in Los Angeles, I'm ready for my life to begin!

Happy New Year. friends and fans of @alexinhwood!

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