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Why I felt out of Love with FAME

When I grow up I am going to be famous...  - me, 5yrs, 10yrs, 20yrs

Hey, Alex...don't forget me when your are famous one day...   -everyone in my High School yearbooks

My daughter is going to be famous... -my parents


I grew up always knowing I wanted to entertain.  Not only that, I thrived in the spotlight, gleamed for applause and even made a fool of myself, drawing at times, negative attention.  However, nothing in the present mattered, because one day I would be famous.  For some reason I thought that was going to be the answer to having money, a career and would be the best thing in the whole wide world.  I didn't want to be like everyone else, because I so clearly did not fit in with people my age and I was destined for greatness.  I am lucky I had very supportive parents and family during my formative years to encourage me to do talent shows, write songs and join a Theater Company and I never once thought I would ever do anything else other than sing.  But I had an awesome Catholic School education all the way through college, lots of accrued student debt and a dream to make it.  I never though twice about how hard it would be or that I'd have to sacrifice financial security.

Once I graduated from college I was cut off for the most part for rent and food so I needed a full time job.  I ended up at a mailroom in a talent agency.  Seemingly a good fit, I worked my butt off with the dream of being discovered in my back pocket and a song ready to go at whim. While seeing the ins and outs of the biz I began to hate the idea of fame.  I did some extra work on CSI and had some fun with commercials on the side and eventually got me back into singing for audiences.  I love performing, I love writing but the hustle will kill you. The more I worked in entertainment on the business side the more I hated the idea of being a product, of selling myself, of being a person to be picked apart...something I wouldn't have questioned before.  I had wanted Fame at first and none of the work that came with like many of the lonely people out there that want to belong.  I wanted to belong to the world and not even to myself, but now Fame seems more lonely than anything else.  I see addiction, I see pain, I see depression and I see people's lives being torn apart by money, tax fraud, drugs and failed deals.  Why would I want a life in this, if someone would always be out to tarnish my name, catch an unflattering photo and beg me to be perfect.  Is Fame worth it if you, aren't yours anymore?  Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan are prime examples of people who were talented kids.  It's impossible to remain sane in this business.  There's always a drink, a pill or a remedy to make you more alive to get to that last audition, or drinks with a producer or club with a red carpet.  I used to want to be a household name but now I like being anonymous, or much better, as ALEXINHWOOD.  I have many talents to share and many many more things to accomplish but I don't think one of them is senseless fame.  My goals have changed as I reach my 27th Birthday tomorrow.

As I have grown, I need applause less and silence more.  I attract more healthy people because I took the time to heal myself and let go of the insecurities that have held me captive so long.  I don't revel in the limelight as much because I have a better sense of self.  You are not only as good as your greatest talent.  My talent for singing with always be with me and I will use it.  I will write, I will perform but now I know I don't need Fame to feel success.  Yes, I suppose that would pay the bills, but I am not limited to Fame or Death.  I plan to have a family, I plan to love myself fully and bring life to those around me.  I plan to explore my other gifts in addition to performing and enjoy my time on earth.  I am blessed so I don't need Fame anymore.  I don't need Fame to tell me I am good enough. No not anymore.


Love,
Alexinhwood

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