Skip to main content

Help! I'm pulling out my hair...

Beauty has always been important to me.  As a performer on stage at a young age I loved makeup and dress up and would do anything do feel glamorous like the women in fashion magazines.  While I continually learn to love myself and my body, I must also learn to love my imperfections.  One of them I have developed has me confused and ashamed.

I am pulling out my hair.  I know you'd think, well just stop it then. Just Stop.  But I feel as thought no matter what I do the comfort of it, keeps me sane.  Because I take antidepressants for anxiety and depression, my hair texture changed.  It took a year, but it changed.  I always have been the girl obsessed with her hair, braiding, unbraiding, twirling, combing or twisting.  I love the smooth feeling and its always comforted me.  When I was 5 I tried to wear my hair half up/ half down but one part wouldn't fit in the up part and so I just ripped that whole section out.  That section on my head has never grown back the same.  but up until this February, I have not had that problem until I really noticed the texture change and was feeling my hair as usual and labeling hairs as bad hairs, so I started to pull them in an effort to purify my style.  But its starting to seem that no matter how much hair I pull, the no more perfect my hair is.  I've been taking Biotin (Hair, Skin, Nail) pills 3 times a day and am working on being more consistent with Viviscal to see if it will stimulate my hair growth. My hairstylist has already had to style a cut to hide my thinning spots, which have gotten larger.

I am trying not to hate myself for how I look or feel but it has become such a habit I don't even know I am doing it.  I have told all my friends and family to yell at me if they see me pulling.  I feel ashamed and stupid.  I love my hair, I always have, and it helps define my look and style.  I am so scared that I will pull too much that I will not be able to fix it with a hair cut and I will be so sad and depressed about ruining everything.  I am not sure what to do next, how to feel or how to like myself as this version of myself.  Does anyone have anything to offer me in terms of support or ways to help one stop.  I don't believe this is a permanent problem, just a clinical one, a habit that I developed that I must change...But I am not sure how to change this for the better and now my hair is the thinnest it has ever been.  I am lost, I miss feeling confidently beautiful...

As parts are growing back that are short and spiky or long and not matching the rest of my hair...I have done this to myself and I am so disappointed.  Please help...

Best,
@alexinhwood



Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To be or not to be...different

Uh oh. Here comes another anecdotal and self-aware journal entry blog post. Yup. You guessed it. So, shall we?

via GIPHY
A lot has changed. New year, new President, new ban, new ideas...yet I am still me. New endeavors are in the midst.

I have since decreased most of my medications. And now I'm more me than I have been in 3 years. It's good and bad. I stopped therapy due to not having insurance but plan to go back once I find a new doc on my plan. Starting over....ugh. Not going to be fun.

But here I want to write down my struggle. I struggle to be who I think I need to be and who I am naturally. It's not about being cool or fitting in at this point. I already know I have a lot of "personality." About enough for two or three people. That's either your thing or it's not. Some call it quirky, unique, crazy, lots of different things. I've always had to edit myself in crowds and at work, in school...everywhere. That is why being on the stage was so easy for…

Candwich is back...back again!

The Candwich - Sandwich in a Can
The Candwich - Novelty? Gag Gift? Joke? Lunch? I'd say all of the above. This "sandwich in a can" is definitely silly and weird and I can't tell if it's the best thing in the world or the worst thing in world. Irregardless, I have had the opportunity of working with the Founder, Mark Kirkland, or as some call him the "Earl of Candwich." He is a genuine person and truly wants to give back and help "can" hunger. Mark is no stranger to controversy and has had his fair share of hiccups along the way in building his Candwich-opoly.

A Viral Sensation
Candwich went viral in 2010 when the New York Times broke the story about a rogue investor who ran a Ponzi Scheme and stole upwards of $145 million from creditors who wanted to invest in Mark One Foods Corp, Candwich's parent company. It took a long time to settle with creditors but Mark has successfully regained control of Candwich and wants to bring his sandwich in …

So this is thirty...

So this is thirty. I haven't been writing much because what you probably don't know is that my new job is to write. It's silly and something I fell into and I'd like for this blog and my many, many years of needing to express myself and tell stories to go into me finding this path. Once a storyteller, always a storyteller. I like to believe that this is true. Since I was young, I have had so much to say. More than most can keep up with. With that, I either entertained and wowed you or sent you running for the hills. Either way, I've learned from the cues and have worked to know where I fit in and when not to speak but when to write down. It started with journals, then poems, then songs, then this blog, more songs, and then I stopped. I transitioned from vomiting feelings on the page to thinking more strategically for an audience and thinking about my brand what I wanted to say to people who follow me. I don't know who realllly follows me, but if I w…