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My Wishes

I wish I had seen a man, really in love with my mom.  I wish I'd seen a man hold her hand and long for her or speak about her poetically.  I wish someone had really understood her and just let her be.  Though I think many people have and do love her, I wish I could seen that more clearly.  I think the transparencies of our flaws limits whether people like or learn to love us.  She keeps getting the short end of the stick.  Why does she have to be the bigger person?

I wish I'd seen her feel relaxed and appreciated.  I wish I'd seen her without pain or fatigue or extreme exhaustion.  I wish her pain didn't limit her everyday.   I wish that she had a home, all to maybe I'd have a home to go home to too.

I wish I'd seen her dance more often because she was really good at tap dancing.  I wish I didn't get so angry at her for her very human mistakes.  I wish I wasn't so hard on her when I see myself in her so clearly that I hate it.

I wish she knew how special she is.  I wish she wasn't so stubborn so she could see things a little differently.  I wish she could let her guard down and admit defeat and then grow and move on.

I wish that she will find peace and freedom amidst her physical and situational limitations.

I wish so much for her that I get sad and I worry.  But I don't have the energy to worry right now.  I hope in writing out my wishes that someone will hear them or see them and know that my mom deserves so many things.  And that it is so important how husbands treat their wives and wives treat their husbands.  that's the first thing us kids learn is how to treat other people, by watching.

If I am forgiving, it's because I saw my mom forgive a friend that hurt her.

If I am strong, it's because I saw her raise us on her own and not let us think she'd ever fail.

If I am faithful, it's because she showed me how to love what's beyond me and the things we see.

If I am grateful, it's because she taught us never to take a day or a friend for granted.

If I am loved, it is because my mother helped me see that I need to love myself.

Of all the things I wish, I will let go of any inadequacies or times when I felt like the past didn't show me the way and just be open to the amazing present and the fleeting future that hopefully will not beg to be stolen.

No day but today.


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