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The Night I Finally Called My Mom

So much has gone on the last few years:  hurt, sadness, discovery, healing and forgiving.  It's true that once you see your parents are people, human beings, who are flawed and can no longer solve your problems, it's quite a rude awakening.  It's scary to think there's no one really to fall back on.  Because even the real adults, said parents, cant help anymore and they can't seem to help themselves.

My mom decided to start over...again.  Leaving my step-dad was the most unpopular thing to do.  But it was something that would prove to be a huge challenge but was also necessary for her health and well being.  Sometimes love isn't enough. Marriage requires a partnership if equal parts and it's all too common for someone to want to dictate to the other and it results in separation and a distance that's hard to mend.

So not even for all the personal stuff that went into the divorce, the whole family seemed broken.  I felt lost, scared and like everyone I could count on, I couldn't count on and I was going through a life crisis on my own and dating a guy who wouldn't commit.  I felt worthless and I wanted to prove I was perfect so no one would have a reason to not love me. I lost 12 lbs, I barely existed, I couldn't hold down food and I was so unhappy.  It's not like I blame my mother for my downward turn but I knew it was related to not being able to call her, or view her the same or feel like she was my mom, when she was "mid-life-ing."

She felt like a stranger for awhile, which sounds insane because we have always been super close on a crazy level.  I literally had to train myself not to need her and it was one of the most difficult years of my life.  Oddly enough, I grew up.  Instead of asking her permission or needing approval, I did things because I WANTED TO.  I tried my hardest to create my own set of ideals instead of keeping to her set of standards.  It was lonely and hard and I felt like I was weaving through the days with a blindfold.

But now I am healthy.  Now I have tried to forgive her for how she's changed my life.  She abruptly changed hers and it hurt me, but I think I've learned to understand.  I discovered so much more about myself by letting her go and I truly did the soul searching I needed to do.  In that, this was a sort of good separation from her, I got to find myself, on my own.

So, I called my mom.  I was in tears and I had just watched a Parenthood episode where one of the moms gets chemo for breast cancer and it just scared the hell out of me.  My mom doesn't have health insurance. She has Fibromyalsia and is in pain everyday. She's alone. What if she has cancer? Does she get her mammograms?  Another family member caught hers early this year and shes fine, but what if she's not fine? What if none of us are fine? OMG my mom, who is taking care of her if I am not? The question is...WHO IS TAKING CARE OF HER?

So we talked and cried and reminisced and felt the gooey feelings we both missed from our mother-daughter relationship.  I told her about my fears and how I missed her and loved her and wish that things were not so hard for her at 56.  Her birthday is on Friday and I won't be I hope someone will.

I barely slept. I hurt from crying.  I guess I needed that, but I also really needed a mom hug.  Luckily I know now that as you grow, you learn to forgive.  And though it was shocking to find out that my perfect mother, was simply human, we are a lot more alike and on the same level.  For a person like her, who can't ever seem to catch a break with either pain, financial crises or lost love, I hope her path to self-love with show her some mercy

Happy Birthday Mom! I love you!

Also to help bring anyone UP for today read Tiny Buddha's great blog post 3 Ways to Feel Good When Things Seem Bad
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