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I Gained Fifteen Pounds and I'm a Happier Woman.

   Gaining weight sounds like something you don't really write home about.  I doubt it's just America that feels that being thin or this gaunt version of perfection that magazines and lookbooks flaunt, is what is beautiful.  But even so we see the women on the page and want to be them. We want the clothes to fall off our bodies and flow and we want those hip bones and flat tummies.  This is all pretty odd though, because women want it, men don't desire it.

   I was always a very skinny girl. I could never finish my meal but I ate throughout the day,.I was always eating.  I was active as a kid with soccer and dance and that slowed late into college as I quit dancing everyday, I graduated and then got a desk job.  Though I was maintaining my thin figure, I was not in shape.  I was actually very unhappy.  but everyday, though anxiety ridden and scared of everything, at least I was skinny...I was still winning somehow.  That is so sad isn't it? To be very unhappy and sad but OK because when you look in the mirror, despite how sad you are, everyone wants to be thin like you.  Friends say things like, "everything looks good on you," "gosh you're so skinny" "gosh you're so lucky." It was all the "positive" feedback that made me feel good but at the same I was always hungry, trying to keep that perfect flat stomach, wearing things that showed off my body.  But what people didn't really know is that I didn't have any disorder or anything but crippling anxiety and depression that kept me from holding on to any weight.  Something, I didn't know I was really battling, a lifelong problem with social anxiety and an internal sadness that has gotten worse with the years. I was always irritable and hungry and angry at something.  I was happy one minute and sad the next, I couldn't navigate my way around my friends anymore and I felt as though I lost my place.

   So I got help. I spent a year or two talking things out and getting to the bottom of my loss of appetite.  I was getting sick a lot, losing my dinners.  I was dizzy and hungry all the time, but I didn't want to eat.  And people wondered why I was so little...I just didn't want to eat, I was literally not happy enough to enjoy all.  I wanted to be better, feel better, regulate what wasn't working...and what I finally realized never seemed to work at all.  A lifelong battle with feeling intense highs and lows and I thought everyone felt things the way I did but they didn't, they don't.

   Fast Foward 8 months here I am.  I am finally happy.  I can accept myself and love myself.  I surround myself with optimism and love and have found someone who genuinely accepts me and sees how I have grown.  I'm a work in progress that's for sure.  But also I have my appetite back.  In that regard I did gain 15 pounds.  To some that would be your worst nightmare.  It has been an adjustment let me tell you.  I can't fit my butt into any of my jeans or button them and my bras and underwear are weirdly too tight.  It was time for a gym membership to tone up but I feel stronger now than I have in years.  I'm keeping my brain, my body and my heart healthy.  Yes the weight is different.  My stomach isn't flat anymore, but that's OK. I eat healthy and I fill out my bras. My friends say things like, "oh my you ARE glowing, what have you done?" "wow you look really good and healthy these days."  And while is has been awkward loving my curves and for someone who always been just over 100 pounds, a little bit extra is very visible on a girl like me.  I feel like everyone thinks I'm huge. I felt huge.  I am not.  I am a 26 year old who can enjoy life and now I finally feel like a woman.

Everyone wants to change things about themselves...I'm not 17 anymore and I definitely don't have the same metabolism...but I am getting into good shape, gaining muscle and finally having a womanly body.  Everyone around me notices my positive attitude.  I am back.  New Alex is here to stay and I feel even more happy to follow my musical dreams.  I can get through a day without losing my lunch, I can go out to dinner without crippling nauseating pains, I can look at myself in the mirror and love myself even though I can't see my hip bones anymore and I wear a size 5 and not a 0.  I have a booty now and you know what, I LIKE THAT!

No matter what your size, you are beautiful. Don't let any magazine, movie or blogger tell you what you should be.  Skinny girls, average girls, big girls...we all women that need to stick together and know we are all born this way. teeheehee, see what I did there. There is no perfect, and those movie stars that go on juice diets and live miserably, I wouldn't want to be them at all.

Love who you are.


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