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I Was Bullied...And I Survived

  I think we can all agree that bullying is a normal thing to endure in school.  While its normal to be taunted by youngsters for having red hair, or being short or being a teacher pet...there's a survival technique to your place on the playground.  But while its the governing of that playground by the popular kids that causes us loners and outcasts to cry ourselves to sleep every night  all we want is to belong, all we want is to feel a part of something and that our peers approve of us.  Some kids manipulate and damage greatly the wannabes without even thinking about the consequences because somehow they get praise from the other kids that just want to do what is cool.  It's so confusing and wrong but just how it is to grow up.  But now that cyber bullying has greatly affected the world, it has too become a new way to damage our youth, and subsequently our youngster's innocence.  Now I believe in free speech and free internet.  But anonymity, while it keeps safe the worst of them, is an easy way to taunt and torture with words, pictures and lends to a whole new brand of bullying.

  THANK GOD the internet and Facebook was not what it was now when I was in school because I can see that as having been a torturous nightmare that would never end.  While I loved my parochial school education, being in school with the same 30 kids for nine years really takes a toll on ones psyche, especially if you are the easiest to pick on (me).  All I wanted was to belong.  I thought that I never got along with kids my age.  I felt beyond them.  I felt like I had a higher calling, to sing, to transcend, to share my talents with the world.  While my parents were the first to divorce in that community, we were shunned, we were deemed a familial failure.  On top of that I was an innocent hyper kid with a zest for life.  I tried too hard, wanted to be the best and just wanted to be noticed.  Many many years of tears made me quite broken and sad.  I was told I was too happy, too short, too ugly.  I was kept out of winning elections, I was labeled a "crybaby." I was always picked last, people coughed whenever I tried to speak in class, I wanted to die...I wanted for everyone to just understand that all I wanted was people to like me.  If I had cared less they might've stopped.  But my heart burned for acceptance.

  All I wanted to do was grow up so it would end.  By 8th grade I was coping because I finally joined theater and had a place to finally be myself. I remember crying with happiness but barely being able to sleep because I was just sooo happy.  I was around kids that were silly like me, loved music like me and believed in a forgiving God like me.  Then in that year, a 7th grader shot himself and it changed us all.  No one knew why really but it really did change me.  As I entered high school it really did get harder.  Adolescence sunk in along with it's normal moodiness and depression that goes with it.  I had never felt this sad and I couldn't let go of that 9 years that taught me no one would ever really like me as I am.  I remember thinking that if I was dead then maybe people would realize I wasn't all that bad.  That I was a good person and that even if they didn't like me, or were jealous or whatever their messed up reasons were, that they'd finally feel bad for all the things they did and said to me. But somehow I always knew there was hope even when my life never looked like "THE OC" and I didn't have a boyfriend or got into any trouble.  It took years to grow out of the "poor me" attitude.  I finally took charge during and after college to be OK with who I am.

  I feel so awful about the pressure it is to be popular, thin, beautiful and sexy.  It's like us girls aren't allowed to have an awkward phase because even Disney channel stars wear waaaay too much makeup and look like playboy bunnies.  We can't find people who look like us in a magazine, TV or anywhere.  Where are our role models? Where are the parents teaching these kids to be behave and respect themselves AND others?  Where are the teachers intervening? Kids bullying kids is turning into kids bullying kids to suicide.  There is no glamour in a martyr, there is no glamour in that kind of pain.  Have some humanity people. Your actions effect the world.  You as a victim, without you, the world would be a different place for your family, for the people you've yet to meet, yet to love.  And to the bullies, you, you are causing worldly harm in your words, your verbal and visual weapons.  Your anger, your evil...


Poor Amanda Todd, for her fears and her message that didn't come our until she hung herself.  This is too much. And for the kids who are gay, I feel for them too. To have no one to talk to, or no where to go.  Please someone stand up for these kids.

I was not bullied in the same way as Amanda, but I did feel hopeless, sad and alone.  Know kids, it does get better and that no amount of harsh words can really touch you.  AND damn all you kids who participate in these terrible activities that can really ruin a person's life.

AMANDA TODD's bully found

I'm lucky I have music to sooth my soul and that keeps me above the water.

And like Taylor Swift says...

"All you are is Mean..."

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