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Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Hey all, cafeteria Catholic here.  I like to think I'm Neo Catholic.  You know someone who embraces tradition and community and the miracle of Christ's Saving Grace but I also believe in love.  So if I want gay people to marry because they deserve to, obviously that's only legal and not recognized by the church, I get that but I mean does that make me a bad Catholic for wanting what it respresents, Universal love and welcomingness.  One thing about Catholicism is that unlike other religions I find it to be very warm and loving and high in moral standard which I have always fit right into.  Until I fell I in love and grew up.

One day I looked at myself in the mirror and I said, "Alex you are going to have sex today" And I did with someone I loved very much and it was awesome.  I did not however get struck by lightening.  Which is nice because I wanted to do it again.  And again times infinity.  I wan't a teenager and I waited long enough to feel strong enough and ready enough which I am very much proud of.  Many people (mainly women) didn't have an amazing first time so I am glad I waited until I had control and a trusting partner. But the point I am trying to make is that my whole life I have grown up following the rules; ie for my parents, my religion, my teachers, and I was afraid of everything.  I was even afraid to feel good.  Now I am not some teen running around a high school here effing the football team, I am a young lady who is trying to understand herself and imagine what it is like to love someone by not just holding hands.

I had always said that I would wait until I got married because I wanted to give my ultimate gift to my husband but in the end I realized I'd want to know what kind of partner I'd want before I married them.  I think its outdated and down right CRAZY to marry someone who is not compatible with you in the bedroom.  Not just this but the fact that a woman is curious or wants to see about her sexuality, you are a slut, a bad catholic and morally unkempt.  This blog jezebel.comrihanna-does-whatever-she-wants-with-her-vagina-and-for-some-reason-thats-a-problem made me laugh but also was awesome because it points out that everyone cares so much about what women in the public do, in bed.  Women do not deserve to be shamed for wanting a good fuck.  In fact I pretty sure we all want that.  But the thing is the less liberal we are about what we want the more men want us because we are something to get and to objectify (which to men is hot).  But if we know what we want and own it, suddenly we are sluts.  I agree with that blog that people should care less what celebrities are dipping their dipsticks and donuts into and more about the art or lack of it. But the deal is guys I grew up being afraid of finding myself because I didn't want to be labeled.  Now finally out of college and high school and all that crap where in you're in a community that knows your business now we have multiple online communities that extort and advertise the shit out of all of our lives, friends and practices.  This threatens our privacy and everyone knows who's doing who.

I just want to be a woman, a Neo Catholic chick that gets it done you know. Is that so much to ask?  I may or may not be reading "50 Shades of Grey" and while that book is terrible I love it anyway.  It's all sexy and awesome and involves Audis and being tied up and silver sex balls you put inside you.  Don't ask, just read.  But anyway what I am saying is I have spent most of my life being afraid I was never enough for men and not just that being afraid of getting what I want because men would view me in a negative way.  Why do guys get to have all the fun without any ridicule?  Playboys are the bees knees, so if I'm on my knees giving a blowie somehow I'm a whore!! INCREDULOUS.  I will no longer let old ideals tell me to be afraid or shameful of enjoying my sexuality and discovering all that entails.

I hope to find a man worth marrying who can rock my world but also be my rock and I guess I have the rest of my twenties to figure that out.  But don't you dare call me names for searching for happiness.  My 7 year old or even 15 year old self would not recognize me as I have broken many rules in my adult life.  But the stuff you don't know as a little kid is good then and once you grow up (and hopefully not too fast) you'll see little innocence in anything anymore.  I realized also that sex is very emotional and awesome but also very human and can really blow your hair back.  50 Shades darker than I once was I'll take the fun times (safe of course) and find myself one screaming O at a time.

xo
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