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Finding Peace

You know it's been a long journey being me.  It's been a struggle for a very long time just to handle every second of myself all these 25 years.  I never realized until recently how trapped I have felt over these years inside a mind of worry and pain.  I have taken steps to improve my life by admitting my flaws and accepting them but also knowing there are ways to change and evolve into a better me.

I feel better than I have in a very long time.  I hear the music again.  Some sort of peace has come over me, comfort that the little things don't matter as much.  Comfort that it will be okay, comfort that I am not perfect.  But while I had been struggling with being perfect and a vision of beauty I had lost my sense of self.  My emotions were completely controlling my life. That is not a terrible thing I suppose but it has been detrimental in the last few years that i cannot do many things because of how I feel or have felt or will feel.  I'd lock myself in my apartment because there, I could control my surroundings and my moods.  I wanted to have control over everything, micro manage it to be within my comfort zone because my fight or flight reactions had gone into overdrive.  I have my schedule, I have my likes and I don't like things to change before I have had the chance to wrap my mind around it.  Adapting had become impossible and I was trapped inside an overactive brain and sense memory.  I started to see how I would probably never reach my goals if I continued to live in the world this way, preventing risk, danger and anything I didn't know or understand.  It seemed safe but it was a total waste.  Depression is a serious illness and it's something I never thought I could have.  I was always a happy kid I thought.  But man, it can take over even the brightest souls.

Point is I've adjusted and I'm doing whatever it takes to be the real me, the me I hadn't gotten the chance to be yet because I was holding myself back.  I'm going to believe in life's infinite possibilities and the fact that I have the power to try and fall and get back up and try again.  I will sing my songs.  I will record them in a studio.  I will sing in front of audiences.  I will do what I love.  I will get out of bed smiling.  I will be happy to be Alexandria.  I will live my dreams.

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