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Love Story

When you are not in love, you watch.  You see, you assess.  You think, if I was that couple, I'd be happy.  Maybe even you consider what you'd fight about one day, with your husband.  Maybe you think to yourself, no matter how tired and old I get, I promise to wear lingerie still... But thinking about it, milling around the idea of love, remembering an old love, is nothing like being IN LOVE.  Its terrifying and wonderful and crazy all at the same time, and don't forget complete and utter misery, but also joy.  It makes you do crazy things, love.  Like throwing yourself in front of someone to save their life, maybe even pretending to enjoy something you don't.  Maybe being in love makes you completely blind to so many sensible things, that you act irrational and feel so passionately obsessed with small things like, the smell of someone's pillow, or the nape of their neck, or the pain and sadness of not holding them at the exact moment you wanted and expected to.  Maybe they didn't text you back and you're thinking, are they dead on the side of the road, do they love me enough, am I crazy because two people can't possible feel this strongly about the other at the same time....

Love is truly my worst nightmare and my greatest dream.  The fact it comes so easily to me and seemingly not as easily to others is what rips me apart.  Shall I become cold and unattached, so as to survive through my twenties without constantly donning a broken heart, a hopeless lovelorn girlish heart...I don't know.  But as the holidays approach, romance seeps into my skin and my bloods runs a little more warm and charmed because all I can think about is romantical Christmas strolls and baked goods and family, and unconditional love and grand gestures, things usually found in the pages of a sappy script, begging to be made and shared with doe eyed women like me.  I just wanna the world to know, I haven't given up.  I feel so blessed that I have loved fully and that not a single day goes by I don't feel entirely lucky to breathe, however, the ones that get away are gone, how do I let the days go by knowing I don't know what's going to happen, but I have to trust I'll be ok.  I have to trust in love and know that one day, I'll be as special, as irreplaceable and those loves were for me.  I have to know what I've felt has been so incredibly real and passionate and for that I am blessed.  To have known them, to have shared.  To be me as myself, learning to love myself more honestly, so that I can love better and be loved better, I take on the responsibility of truth and authenticity and to not TRY to be lovable but to just BE LOVABLE, BE Alexandria...there's no one else, like me, who can love like I can.  Not a single person can tear me down and ever say I'm not enough.  I enough for God, my friends, my loves, my family.  I'm enough for me.
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