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Grey's Anatomy Cuts Through to the Heart

Meredith: "There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."
          Some people say, "oh you watch THAT show's STILL on?" And I say yes! proudly.  For all seven years Grey's Anatomy has helped me feel like I am not alone in feeling the damage of the people around me and my relationships that have crumbled, grown and crumbled again.  I know nothing of the stresses of the medical field but I do understand the dedication to career and the search for love.  Meredith, I had always related to, finding comfort in her insecurities and self-induced darkness and then obsession with testing her mortality and search for her purpose, meaning, and place in this world.  She's taught me to be strong and fight for my career, but ALSO to not lock people out, because yes being vulnerable, like being cut open on a surgical table, yes, Love feels like that, and its the threat of total failure and a possible DNR that scares us, it scares me, and it makes us do all sorts of wrongs in order to survive because the end is the scariest part.  And after the end when you're supposed to get back up, thats what we all try to avoid, the recovery, by not getting involved in the first place.  The rewards can be incredible however if you put the work in and allow the risk of falling, sharing, accepting the rules of the game, that game that might acquire a few wounds that might take some time to heal.
         The Season 7 FINALE really got to me in Meredith's final words.  This year and a half has been about overcoming a past relationship and welcoming a new one.  But the fear of starting over was easiest when I was alone, not needing anyone or anything, no disappointment, no hurt, no wanting or wishing, no fear of it walking away.  Alone I felt free, and though that freedom was lonesome, it didn't feel like heartbreak.  Meredith is admitting that being alone was better than being broken from love or wanting it and then it being gone, just gone.  Most say it's better to have love and lost than to have not loved at all.  I wonder if that person has ever had to endure heartbreak at all.  It sucks.  It fucking sucks.  Being alone has rewards but it means you're just you.  Untouched, unbroken, but without the glow of connection with another being.  That meaning, a wall has to come down, leaving you open to attack, attack of the heart, soul, body...and what if that attack is so good, you get used to it and love it and want it and crave it and then its suddenly gone.  That is what being alone prevents.  It prevents your feet from ever lifting off the ground, so if you fell you'd be ok, rather than falling from the clouds, where you were floating, winging through love, unsure and knowing of your inevitable fall.

That's what Grey is milling over when she's in her home holding her new baby, wondering where Derek has gone.  How can this be my life, this is not how it was supposed to go.  What I believe in makes me who I am, life's challenges prevent constant happiness, though who I count on is not here, will he forgive me, what does this mean? What do I do now?  All this hurt and wrong could have been prevented if i hadn't done what I did for love.  What is even worth it anyway?  What is worth that kind of pain?

For me...What if I find love? What if I lose it? What happens when I give all I've got, and that's still not enough?  What if someone loves me, but I don't feel the same? What if I have love but I'm not ready for it?  What if I never get to live my dreams?  How do I hold on it when/if I find it?  How do I keep it without feeling like it is constantly slipping away?  How do I feel free of the pressures of needing and wanting someone to pick me, love me (Just as Meredith did in the Season 2), how do I fully love myself AND someone else without losing what I want, who I am, and my independence?  Will someone ever want to marry me?  Will I ever feel like I can trust someone enough to marry them?  How will I find these answers?  How will I understand all these questions? How do I let it go, that love will be when it will be....
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