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New Year, New Me

My quest (yes I have a quest) is to take risks.  I am the careful sort, avoiding mistakes and becoming more Type A as a means of survival.  Who wouldn't want to be prepared for any and every outcome.  I have made myself anxious and tired and worrisome trying to predict and prevent mistakes and challenges.  In doing so I turned into a nervous wreck and someone I thought had control and a grasp on life.  Turns out being that way isn't all that fun, so my quest is to take risks and be welcoming to new challenges. 

I tend to have a hard time adapting to quick or sudden changes because I prepare so much, that going with the flow seems impossible, when things change I am not ready for them and I go into fight or flight mode over the smallest things.  So in examining my behaviors which I thought were positive, I am looking at how to expand my preparedness into a flowing attitude of "I can handle it." (fist pump)  Not one of a follower but one of rest and ease.  Instead of sitting back and waiting for my friends to make cool plans, I can make and choose what, where and when.  I have usually shied away from the responsibility of making plans but I have been stuck for quite some time doing things everyone else was doing.  But it has come time to choosing my own destinations which all my life I never felt the liberty to do.  I think it's a combination of the people I have chosen to surround myself and the uphill battle I have gone through this year, reaching towards independence and self-sufficiency.  It might sound silly that I have felt held back all this time, when most kids start rebelling in their teens and more into their "self-discovery twenties" but I have played it safe so I wouldn't get into any trouble.  Why not go for the road not taken and see where it leads.  Only now do I feel confident to truly choose for me and not based on an outside opinion or approval.  Fuck approval, what about what I want and need? Now it's time to figure it out.  No one is holding my hand.  They haven't for awhile, so I might as well see what I am truly capable by employing the skills I have acquired through college, my jobs and with my personal life.  The fact that there is no rule book to follow is terrifying to me, because I don't know if I'm doing things right.  All I do know is that I am strong enough to take on life challenges big or small and recover from any fall or soar from any flight.

At 24 and half years see myself in a new light.  I cut off my hair, I'm working toward my musical aspirations and I feel empowered not stuck.  I want to travel, so I will at some point.  I want to go to concerts and sing in cafes and cook and explore life.  I had seriously felt stinted and like my goals were unreachable.  With the economy, being in student loan debt and barely making enough money to survive in LA with my day job, I had held myself back from opportunities and have had a negative attitude.  I'm turning it around and not viewing or obsessing about what's missing or not available and cashing in on what IS available to me.  Why not exhaust my opportunities and resources when I have been no careful and negligent about what is right in front of me.  I'm nourishing my relationships, my health and my talents.  I'm complaining less and saying Thank You more.  No more apologizing for being myself and I will love with abandon.  Fear and Worry have dominated me in the past, but I no longer want to walk on my tip toes, afraid to make waves. 
I can truly reach the people around me.  There is no use in complete predictability.  So my quest is to give love and forgiveness and to not sweat the small stuff.  LA is a tough town but that's why I am surrounding myself with good people who are wonderful additions to my new found abilities and love for the world around me. 

Sometimes a new hairdo really can change how you feel about who you are.  Suddenly after all this time trying to be Hollywood pretty and loving the compliments on how pretty my hair was, that was nice.  but hearing my new look really suits me and I feel lighter and more happy and more free to be my quirky silly self.  I don't have to look the part.  I'm just me.  No longer acting like the Alexandria I think I am.  I'm being the me I truly know I am. 

Thanks to those who've shaped my existence, my peace and to the new ones in my life who have challenged me to grow and adapt to this difficult and often times rewarding journey.  Bring on the Spring Time, bring on the free, bring on new experiences, bring on to me.

xo, Alexandria
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