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a moment in history

And there she sat, collasped and holding herself, for not in her life could she remember feeling quite like this.  In her mind she found ways to organize her thoughts and her life as best she could.  Often times slipping through the cracks, tears were shed in an effort to overcome that failure.  Though if she let herself see the truth, she'd know people rarely judged her so harshly as she in fact judged herself.  But on this day, in this moment, she knew something has been adjusted, changed, created, bloomed.  Was it the fact she didn't care anymore?  Was it that carelessness that left her heart open?  Was it being aware at all that allowed her to exist as she was this day?  Was it the absence of bitterness that allowed her to feel free of that dead weight? In her bedroom, she sat, recoiled under blankets on top of many pillows, trying to make something out of this fleeting nirvana.  Somewhere in this sudden silence, where the white noise of her constant mind usually resided, was a delicate moment of clarity.  She took a breath and now not holding on, just relaxing for the first time in a very long while, she knew.  The pillows felt like kisses and they held her up.  The blankets felt heavy and light at the same time, for the gentleness of the fabric on her skin tickled her but cloaked her in an embrace.  This was her favorite.  Here and now she was no longer sad.  The light seemed brighter even at dusk as the disappearing trails of sunbeams brought her new joy.  She did not want anything or crave anything.  She felt whole.  Those feelings of emptiness and betrayal and anger now didn't seem so heavy as lightness of freedom lifted her.  Can it be she was alive again?  Her eyes wide open, mouth agape, with the idea that this, could, be real.  She wasn't sure if her heart had exploded or if she knew what this meant, nor if she could control the outcome.  But as the covers fell off and she had nothing but her skin, she still felt full.  Was it her own power that left her dumbstruck?  Could it be him? Or was her own appreciation for who shes become that gave her such calmness? She knew that she finally loved herself enough not need anyone to love her but that she indeed loved him.  Not desperate or greedy, this love was distant and lingering.  Though even when he isn't there she's not weakened but his absence  She's empowered by her strength and knows she is enough.  As this woman sat there, this day she knew love and felt love. even as she was. She sat.
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