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Let it be

Breathe in, breathe out.  That'a all I can do.  For so long I've been holding my breath.  Afraid that my unattentiveness would misguide me from what I should know or see or control.  But look at me now.  Breathing.  Before as I had imagined, a mangled Christmas, and now after a splendid one, letting go of my expectations and want for perfection, opened me up to new highs.  I let people alone, allowed them to see things their way, in hope they would in turn, respect me for my perspective and my choices.  I tried not to let family problems and woes ruin my time with the family I really missed.  I did things differently this time.  I stayed with my dad for the first time since I was 4.  We bonded and spend alot of time together.  This only happened because I let it and I really had a great time.  I learned so much more about him and his life and his girlfriend of 7 years.  It was like unlike any other holiday.  We both made ourselves available to the idea of a real father/daughter experience and it was well received.  In doing so it took pressure off my married sister and her husband, who for once didn't have to deal with me taking over their home, and that of my parents who have no room for me anyway.  It seemed putting me somewhere else eased the troubles for everyone and put me and my dad together, which surprisingly enough was a perfect match.  We both like to go out and DO THINGS, experience people and exist in our surroundings, rather than wake up late and watch TV all day.  I felt missed and loved and welcomed.  First time in awhile I had a successful trip home, one filled with the warmth I craved.  So thank you to everyone for their love and support.  Thank you to myself for breathing and adapting to change and going with the flow. 

In 2011, I hope I can be more like this more often.  Handling things like an adult but being able to be present and active in my life choices.  I will not however let things just happen because I am not built that way, but I will take risks and I will be open to new ideas, new people and a new attitude towards what is possible.  I have been my own worst enemy for awhile now, trying to fit into a mold much too small and way too predictiable for anyone's tastes.  I have to give myself and the people that surround me a fricken break.  Only then can I be fully alive and fully available to what it to come. 

Bring it on 2011.  After a lovely two week break from work and dating, I am so much more the me I love to be; calm and vibrant with an endless passion for friends and music.  I can't let what others say or do influence me so much, nor let my personal high expectations crush me and perplex me with silly intonations that I am not good enough or able to handle life.  I can and will be great, maybe in a different way that I had ever imagined.  So, Carpe Diem, let it be and some day change is gonna come.

xo, Alexandria
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