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The Reveal

Today was one of those days where I got a stark realization.  It is something that occurred to me while reflecting on my day, my behaviors and my feelings.  The odd thing is, why I hadn't necessarily seen it before and in all my self awareness.  I realized today a specific insecurity.  Everyone has them because in feeling insecure, we think we can protect ourselves, by buying into the fear of loss and acceptance or editing ourselves to fit the mold to make our true selves less vulnerable to attack.   Sounds like some sick lie to me.  Now, I have always known that I've been different from the pack and as in WALDEN POND states I may dance to a different drummer,  I have always felt the music just the same, just differently and on my own time.  As in all things, people like to draw out meaning from anything but I know it's in the things that make me feel wanted, accepted and free that bring me peace in myself.

I realized even more today how much I overcompensate to make others feel comfortable.  When I've got it in my head that they may feel inconvenienced, I feel a tremendous sense of guilt.  I feel like it's my job to understand that feeling and fix it or soothe it or change myself to make sure I don't cause any grief.  Maybe this stems from the years of constant belittling and teasing, I'm not sure.  I have an inkling alot of it comes from my ex-boyfriend.  Now being best friends with a first love was hard at first and now it comes easier, with a sort of honesty and hurtfulness I can't explain.  But knowing someone that well, and then choosing to walk away but see from a distance, never comes with directions.  You just do it or you don't.  But I have noticed in our interactions how much we criticize each other.  I used to think this was normal.  My mother, grandparents, my sister, my FATHER, all we do is point out negative things, or ways to change or qualities that bug us.  In the case of the ex, all we did was try to change each other, so that we each would fit the other's ideal, some happily ever after.  Whatever it is that makes me this way, I know I must grow up and out.  I felt something today.  I was confused and scared.  I was alone but surrounded.  I felt claustrophobic but free, anxious but calm.  I'm not sure exactly what brought on the wave but today was different. I wanted to run away, be by myself not show how I am, but I stayed.  I am so scared someone will see me and not like it.  Like I've said before, loving as I have, hearing "I love you, but not enough" is not what I want to hear ever again.  I feel like every quirk I have will send the gentlemen packing.  Who wants to deal with a girl like me?  I'm a picky eater and sometimes can barely eat at all, I have a sensitive stomach and I'm very emotional.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, I trust too much, sing too much, feel too much and I'm moody.  I do cartwheels when I feel like it, I need alot of attention and I'm an instant gratification junkie.  So much of me, is just me and I know it's not for everyone.  I love who I am even when its odd, but somehow I'm waiting for the "who I'm with" to point out my every flaw and tell me to change.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, for them to see me and say wow, I can't handle this.  I believe in myself and I love me, the real me....but it seems I'm not good at letting someone else do that.  Does anyone even know how or want to?  Why put my hopes, dreams and happiness in the hands of anyone other than myself?

Today I realized how much approval means to me and how grateful I am that I can be myself around certain people.  I'm so used to being picked apart. It's interesting when someone says, "I can see how you'd feel that." or "Doesn't bother me."  What are these kind, accepting words and from a man's lips?  Never has a guy ever really led me in the right direction, towards my best self, my happiest self, my centered self.  One that lets me fall down, or stumble or be silly or be quirky without the consequence of rejection, or maybe it is in their openness in which I feel free to be judged without fear, free to exist as I am and free to be vulnerable to something real.  I keep over-feeling what I think they are feeling.  It's like I make up how sensitive they are.  My ex, I was always taking care of him.  Taking care of his reactions to every little thing, in social situations, with me, with everything.  It was exhausting to the point I forgot I was actually ok, because I have confidence in myself,  I let his insecurities furnish new ones in me, just to relate just to show he wasn't alone.  It's like I forgot what it's like to know a person who can handle it all, just let it go and be and really not care so much about all the small stuff.  That attitude helps me to relax and really breathe life into reality, into myself and into what is possible.

Id like to be able to let it all go and just exist naturally without the worry or hyper-intellect, without the thumping heart, guarded and scarred.  Through those in which i surround myself, I hope to achieve greatness in the reflection of who I once was and into the woman I know I am.  Smart, creative, intelligent, moral, talented, and loving.  Thank you for giving me the time of day.  Thank you for saying Alex, it's ok.  I'm not running away.  I'm right here.  It's ok.  I like you anyway.
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