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Silence in the chaos.

I'm excited for the weekend.  As things ebb and flow, I understand less and control less, as many things are beyond me.  I used to feel like I could handle more.  I've always been an anxious person, looking to do things correctly, maybe so someone would notice I was being good, or doing it right, maybe for the approval.  Of course then approval means attention, it means someone is singling me out to be maybe better than others who do things differently.  I feel like I was always that kid struggling to be noticed for fear of being forgotten or left alone.  Being invisible was my biggest fear.  So I sang louder, tried to be the best. and studied and sucked up until someone said good job.  Now nearing more and more to the quarterlife crisis, I can see, What gives? Who cares?  I guess I'm the only one. 

I still am looking for someone to say yes thats right, or no, don't do that.  But in all reality no one is looking out for me but me.  Following is boring now as I see my friends pass by me in opportunities and growth.  When is it my turn?  I guess the time is now.  Why not? I'm sick of saying when? how? I truly can be the one to jump and go out of my comfort zone and do what I want.  It is silly to me how I only have started to feel this now, finally separate from then, the love of my life, my parents, my ideas of social and moral codes and now I make decisions purely based on me.  Never have I been this free and this freedom scares me.  I am working on doing and not overthinking.  But I've always been a calculated person.  I want to know what to expect because I WILL overdo it or underdo it, there's no middle ground for me.  The worry is crippling.  But worrying is useless, but it partly makes up my personality because I care, I just do and I can't help it.  I'm run but very strong emotions and a sensitivity that leads me to strength but leaves me flawed.  I'm not looking for love but I love to love.  And that is hard to do when I'm trying to be career oriented.  Trying shouldnt be the word, but it is.  I can't help but look for meaning, some connections.  Those connections are distracting BUT they are also what keep me going.  So balance between self love and love for my friends is session.  I can only hope to put together the pieces of my existence.  I want to improve musicaly and really find my voice, my real true voice with my lyrics and my singing.  I have so much to share I overwhelm myself and probably everyone around me.  As an artist I believe it will make me crazy but also make me the best I can be.
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