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Eat Pray Love: The Search for your Word.

Does it take reading a book, Julia Roberts and alot of wine to find your word or is it possible without the passport stamps around the world? Not everyone has time to take the time, nor the funds to say I'm good with just this. Finding oneself, finding the calm, seeking clarity and self-love: doing this reliquishes itself to the physics of the quest as Liz Gilbert says. Women, not just my libra self, associate success as a reflection of their relationships and their timelines are based on who they are with than what they've accomplished or what year it was. Think about it. Someone says when was the last time you were a happy? I woman might say, "With Jake I was this way and he was this and then there was Mike and Steve blah blah." Its never "last Novemeber or 2005," its during Jake, Brian or Steve.  In this way how can we really allocate time for ourselves when we are with...whom we are with.

Yes we all need a little lovin, and that's why so many of us stay in what's broken or what's good for now.  How dare us think we deserve something so unsatisifing.  Now women, the more sensory sex, one with the knowlegde of both sides of the brain, may to our detriment overuse our awareness, our emotions and our ability to love.  And in doing so, we get clouded and caught up in who we are pleasing and what we are fixing rather than really knowing or pleasing, loving ourselves. As gender roles allow, we do what we must even if that is running away to avoid the "Stepford" ideal or buying into it.  Sometimes under masked rebellion we fullfull whats socially acceptable anyway. Irregardless (I looked it up, it's a word) we get to that little white church sooner or later, bowing to the game, we fill the role and it isnt always what we really wanted or what we planned to be.  It's just what we do. 

Eat. Pray. Love. It was probably a good book!  I never got around to reading it, but I just might follow suit since I have a thing for prose and for the "overthinking analytical spiritual crap" that makes me think, "HUH oh my god, me toooo!" The point (I have like 80) is, we all want to feel a part of the grand scheme of things. Even if we are with "man o' dreams" we are alone, it is in self love, that will bring the happy, though as little girls and through life we are convinced it's only obtained by WHO loves us and HOW and we give up that solitude to be validated by man.  Happiness, like nirvana is fleeting, so stop trying to catch it, already. YES, YOU! Cut it out.  Enjoy the moment, amidst the harsh reality that is life.  And life is short, too short, to keep whining about what we don't get and who's better than us.  Forget the small stuff because your "word" will come to you and infuse life if you are open to it and closer to the authentic self.  This wont happen by waiting or praying.  It comes through effort and self reflection.  Some may think vacations and escaping from their woes will bring them solace but when you come home and sober up, the problems stil reside.  Escaping doesn't bring on enlightenment, but through surrendering and letting go, portals will open, allowing a space for the spiritual, maybe something that had been blocked by numbing distraction and disconnection.  Hopefully you'll get to the point where you will be filled with something greater, some spirit that will keep you grounded in this world and flying in the next.
The balance quest will continue to offer fear and anguish in making the decisions and embracing freedoms  To act in bad faith is lie to oneself and deny the true knowledge of choice that is inherently yours.  Sitting and waiting for change only makes you look like a complete ass.  So if you can drop everything and go on a pilgamage, walk across a country with the Pope's ok or meet Javier Bardem in Bali, by all means do it.  But if you'r still in college debt and kinda dont know who the fuck you are, maybe a little self discovery can be allowed.  Separate from the "them," be you, love you.  Naturally we are born alone and we die alone and as we grow and change and give, nothing lasts forever.  To grasp just barely the blessings of this world and to give and receive love, to have all these things, what more can we ask for as a small spec on our tiny planet? Surrender.  Discern.  Do.  Feel.  Embrace.  Eat.  Pray.  Love.
Ironically I have trouble doing those last few.  I have trouble seeing past the little things and letting go of the worry.  I barely have an appetite and when I do it's never satiated.  I've lost my voice in prayer because I cannot seem to find who I am praying to anymore.  And love, well I have been guilty of just giving that away and for now I think I'll just keep it to myself, because I DESERVE IT!!  Yes I need to take my own advice.  I am sharing all of this with you as an exultation!!! In biblical times I just may have yelled on mountain.  But today yells are silenced by words on a screen and muffled under pillows in which I bury myself in the grief that is a seeming death.  Am I to be born again? Am I to see new life?  Am I to reach a deeper understanding and the coping mechanisms to see through all the bullshit and stress I put on myself?  I have never been on an airplane or on any real self searching adventure.  But moving to Los Angeles was big enough for me.  How in this city that is full of superficial and tempting distraction is it helpful in leading me in the path towards enlightenment?  I DONT KNOW!  I will have to seek in, out, and up, through my damage to see, feel and love again.  I haven't found my word yet, but I will.  I will.  As I reach my next birthday I think that I was once a girl who had a real idea of what I wanted and who I was, and now as I have embraced my freedom, I see things differently.  What I have known is lost, and who I will be I have already been.  But when will I find balance in myself to fully be alive again with a sense of direction and self?  When is my resurrection into who I will be as a woman in this complicated era?  When will the ground catch me and thrust me up again into what is?  Here this, I'm alive, I'm listening.  I'm seeking, and I shall find.
This is up for discussion, please share your comments and questions!!!
Also go see Eat Pray Love directed by Ryan Murphy starring Julia Roberts and pick up the book written by Elizabeth Gilbert and check our her story and website here.
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