Ryan Seacrest, Mr-committment phobe, playboy all over TV and my airwaves, brings up some interesting points in the morning worth talking about. Today he spoke of a book Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb, a journalist and author of many New York Best Sellers. Now I haven't read the book yet, but I do think it may be in the stack for summer, if not just to see what she has to say, then for a good relationship read. OnAIR with Ryan Seacrest, she explained that she wondered why she was 30 and hadnt found Love or The One. She used her journalistic approach and did some research that turned into this little book of advice on finding him.
An interesting fact she spoke about was that in order to get a second date, MEN had only said three things: She had to be cute enough, make good conversation and be interesting. ONLY three things to qualifiy for a second date. Women, on the same matter, offered a collective of THREE HUNDRED things just to get another two hours with them for a second date. I mean ladies, is a free dinner really all that bad? 300 things to qualify? Now I am not saying either sex is perfect in any way, but maybe women are being TOO picky. Maybe woman are looking for someone that doesn't exist! Remember that guy we all though we wanted? Yeah him, Prince Charming, yeah we all know he doesn't exist, so why are we still so intent on finding him in our loved ones? We want friends and our lovers to accept us as we are, when we are so judgemental and picky on who we are dating. Who said we were better or even good enough FOR THEM!! In that regard, just know that as we are picking them apart they just want a chance. And ladies, we keep saying he's out there...somewhere and he'll find us, but he always comes around when we aren't looking. So if that's the case here, the "settling" may be a four-letter word, but that's not exactly what Miss Gottlieb is proposing. She's proposing that women adjust their standards to be more realistic and to recognize their own dating habits. She proposes that we write a list of things someone would have to deal with if they dated us, that long list all those things, no they aren't ALL cute and QUIRKY. Relationships take compromise and as much as we want to be loved in full, our men do too.
So maybe it's not the men being M.I.A. Maybe it's us filtering out all the good ones because we think "good-enough" really isn't for us. Who told us it wasn't? We told ourselves that because we're imagining a guy who dresses better than him, cooks better, jokes better, smells better and all those things we're imagining could be found in someone else! But if we keep taking that chance everytime and moving on, you will be the girl who's 30 saying, where is he? Those 300 things....ladies what are we trying to sell here? We are no better. Guys are so willing to give us a chance if we're INTERESTING and SMILE, while we're just tearing them down because they hold their fork weird or wear a tie thats too short (yeah kinda silly) or maybe have something in their teeth. Now that's what girls are for, to help them with those little things. People grow in relationships, together, and I'm sure down the line, that sport coat you didn't like would be out if you told him it was working for him. Take the man out of the coat and drop those 300 things. Open your mind and your heart to what is possible. Yes everyone is different and has a unique set of needs and wants, but within your range and what feels good to you, open up to what is possible because you're asking someone to accept you as well. Mr Right is probably right in front of you, but you ruled him out because he does something on that 300 list.
Women makes many things more complicated. Honestly I cannot ARGUE with that at all. Most guys I know are alot more simple and open minded than any of the women I know. Standards are important because you should know yourself and what you need, but maybe it's time to reevaluate what that is and what you are looking for in men/loved ones. Meet new people, give them a chance and know that people will be human in every way, and in that regard there's only so much you can expect or change.
Now having said all those things, what you look for to date and what you look for to marry are not exactly the same thing. So when it comes down to thinking of spending your life with someone, Mr. Good Enough maybe, be just that. Many marriages I have seen fail have been because they changed or grew apart, and even because they both just wanted different things. So when people marry the person their "supposed" to marry over the one they should marry you know that things don't always work out. People!! There is no answer for love. There is not right or wrong for love. There's who you love and how you do it. When you find that love you need to assess if that person is suitable to create a life. Marriage is about committment and sacrifice and genuinely wanting to share all the good and bad with them. With that, I really don't think what someone wears really matters all that much, or all those littler things on that 300 list when you need someone by your side. Why have we shut out sooo many Mr Good Enough's, that we are still single or marry the "ideal" or close to it, and are unhappy with that result?
So ladies lets stop complaining and sitting back wondering where he is!! If you're dating right now, buy this book. Find out more about the research, because aside from my own opinions, I'm betting Miss Lori has alot of information to share. Aside from "settling's" negative connotations, that's not what she's inspiring. She wants us to take charge of what we want and be realistic about love and marriage. Ladies, you deserve the best this is true! But know the best doesn't usually come from who we would expect. When a man tells you who he is, you should believe him and assess from there. Marriage is not easy, so when you are picking a partner don't let Prince Charming come to mind! Waiting for him, you'll starve so please get on your own horse and ride into town, sit down and have a meal and conversation and kick out the 300 list. You'll be surprised about how interesting people are if you give them the time of day. Create your own fairy-tale with someone who truly sees you for who you are and committs fully instead of finding a guy who fits in that cookie cutter mold you think is right for you, chances are Mr Good Enough really is.
Check out the author, Lori Gottlieb and her list of books here http://www.lorigottlieb.com/books-marry.php