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When you change...

When you change, some notice, some don't.  Sometimes you're the only one. But when you grow up, not everything goes towards what you imagined. You can only do so much to control your surroundings or what happens to you.  Lately I have been stressing about alot of things I can't control.  I really have liked feeling blah, to the point where I don't get nervous or care as much or feel anything at all.  However, not caring has turned into over-caring.  Not sure how that works but it happens and it happened to me. 

I have grown and evolved since we spoke last.  I've traveled new paths and lets some things go.  I have worked hard to find more about myself and why I do and think and want the things I do.  I have been searching for direction and peace and surrounding myself with inspirations.  I am looking for a new apartment and trying to grow up from where I'm at. 

One thing that seems the same however is a certain presence in my life.  I need to move on for real.  One would think it would be a bit simpler to walk away from someone who was wrong for you.  But love stands in our hearts and often more close to the edge of our sleeves than we'd like to admit maybe.  Now I am not in love.  And I haven't felt that feeling in a very long time and I definitely do not feel that way about a certain person any longer.  There, however, exists a specific feeling that lures me into over-caring about someone who does not even remotely try to care for me, actively anyway.  If someone says they care and they never do anything about that, how is that valid? The thing is, it isn't.  When someone hasn't cared for so long and then suddenly they cry when you run from them. it's confusing and manipulating.  It instils false hope, false feelings, false everything.  I am not here for anyones disposal.  I deserve the best of all loves, one thats caring and compassionate and one that can keep up with me.  I had for long, hid under masks, thinking that this new me, more accepted more plain, would work better in the world.  And through my successes some had worked, but I am searching for a more authentic me.  One with self-control, passion and maturity but with the love and joy of a child and the voice of a songbird.

I am very scared. I wish I wasn't.  I wish I was better at going with things, the flow, letting it be.  Even though all those songs, scripture and good advice seems like the right stuff, I falter to what I'm used to.  Sticking to a plan, MY PLAN.  But now that I am taking care of myself it is good. But I also need to be more open to new things, new people, new loves, new adventures, amidst getting so cozy and comfortable with being just me.  Opening up again is difficult because it's a whole new game.  Being something for someone is a whooole neew game.  And I can barely play, still a little exhausted from the last.  I don't want tot start, for fear of its ultimate end.  Why can't I just go with it, and love anyways, sing anyways.  I'm trying. I reallly am.  I am not damaged or depressed.  I'm just trying not to TRY so much.  Trying not to care tooo much.  While being safe and loving who I am, I'm capable to loving others and not being a baby about it.  I just need to breathe, find the peace and see through the bullshit. 

As for you, I am letting you go. As for you, I have to NOW.  You've taken too much from me, though you gave the bear minimum, that was enough until it wasn't.  I want more.  I am not the same me that loved you then.  I'm a new me that loves me, which means I have nothing left to give you.  I am sorry you cannot love me enough to let me go, though it felt you did that long ago when trying you didn't, loving; you didn't show.  Thank you for being a best friend, but not for this.  Please find it in your own strength to know I wish only for your happiness, but if happiness is what you get from me, I cannot be that person anymore.  You won't let me flourish, you bring me down to the bottom where you feel safe and invisible.  But I have wings to bring me to where I need to be I need an audience you see. If you find love, please be gentle with her heart.  Because I think you thought you were with me, but empty it was and I walked away.  Please learn who you are before you try again because you need that and she will deserve that. And if it's really done, please let me go and let me love someone who will love, and make it show.  Stop making me the bad guy and twisting my arms and breaking me down.  Stop making me want to save you, when you're crying, broken on the ground.  You gave up and cannot give, I gave you chances and nothing, you did.  Let be honest with this now.  Let me go, let me go now. 

This was hard to say awhile ago, But today it's a little easier.  For how much you hurt me then, and for how much I changed for you, a tear or a broken heart I cannot prevent. But it's been a year, and I feel it's clear, the time we spent was wonderful at parts.  And for how much I loved and shared it was worth. But please know that as you repeatedly share how this will never work, it's time for me to stop hoping and time for me to let it go.  If we are going to be friends, you need to let me go.

love, alex
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