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2010 gets good...

Hello everyone. So as twenty-ten has unfolded, I can now say I'm growing up. I cannot believe at 23 I am in as much debt as I am in. I feel like I'm fairly managing to get about and am very blessed for everything I have. However I do need to stop shopping. I know I can do it, but I just ALWAYS make excuses. There are always sales and things and having new things makes me feel new and happy and sharp.

I am also writing more and living more in the present. I finally feel whole and content. It has been a long time since I've felt like I can do things on my own. Loving your friends and fmaily but not necessarily relying on them to do everything for you is a good thing. I am learning this repeatedly. I try less to make people like me, I'm not desparate for attention, people enjoy my personality and my company and I am not anxious or nervous or scared. I guess it's a part of maturation but whatever it is I'm headed down the right path. I'm searching for what I want, separate from what my friends like and want. I can feed myself, make time for the gym, make time for friends, put in a full day of work and still have time to write songs and do what I love. I am trying harder everyday to put myself out there and to get over my silly insecurities to be able be better at being me, loving me, being ok with me and giving of myself to others.

Being single has its perks and detriments. Sometimes I long for some singular connection with another soul. But depth isn't where I'm at right now. When there was depth I was vulnerable and wishing. All those dreams are different dreams and I am back to me again. Now I have nothing to maintain and nurture or keep other than my great friendships which I have watered the last few months. Who knew I had such great friends around me, when all I noticed was a boy. See I realize now the kind of man I would want, if I wanted one now anyway. I'm ok really on my own. Nurturing my body, my needs and wants, something I once thought was selfish and useless. But now I know that next time I feel like I can be in a relationship I'll be a whole different version of me. A more mature, self approved version. I'll pick my battles, and give in sometimes. I'll be hard to get but there when he needs me. One day I'll employ all the things I can be for someone, when I know that other person can really love me back, the way I need them to, and not just with words and sex. Something real, with meaning and purpose. And I know it's a conception that guys don't want that in their 20's, but that's bullshit. Ones who are career oriented take longer sometimes and are non committal, because they can't focus on anything other than work and want things casual in case they change their mind. But everyone loves having someone to come home to. Guys wants the same things us women just in different forms and times than we do. That's why communication is off and fences are built and fights happen. We're built differently and think and feel differently. Cracking the code is a life battle. But it is the struggle and accidental falling in love that leads you to having that constant, something that as a human we crave. It's there where you let yourself feel it. Sometimes you walk away from it because you are scared, but regardless it happens.

All in all, I am excited for what is to come this year. My job has improved, my attitude about life is improved. I am trying not to take myself too seriously but I am working hard to get to where I need to be. I love my family, flawed as they may be. I am excited to make new friends and meet new people. I am happy that the ex and I are growing in friendship and working on being us separate from being us, which is getting better. Everyday new things come, but I am confident I am equipped with the essential tools to love, be and become everything I am and will be.
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