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When I get you alone...

So I guess I feel like I may be finally recovering.  It has been a long road and one that has been twisty and full of giants rocks blocking me from the path, having said that, I believe I can now look forward. 

I have never in my life been too happy being alone...until now.  I guess I just realized you can't always turn to others to solve your problems or make you feel happy.  Happiness comes from within.  I have been very unhappy inside for a very long time.  I fooled myself to thinking I was happy in and out by being in a relationship.  I was, I really was, but I think I was hiding from really finding who I was by investing everything in someone else.  Now that I am on my own after some depression and despair, I finally feel alone but in a good way.  No one expects anything from me, which usually makes me depressed because I don't like feeling unimportant and like no one needs me.  But this time it is good.  I don't have any energy to spend on anyone else right now.  As john mayer says, "a perfect lonliness." I feel like as happy as others make me I've always struggled really being happy on my own, with myself, loving who I am.  I've hid behind barriers by trying to be too funny or too loud or just surrounding myself with fun people, but rarely did I ever look for what I wanted.  Being alone seemed like the worst tragedy because I usually cling to people so that I won't feel that way.  But now and today I am perfectly happy all of a sudden in not needing anyone at all.  I mean I probably do need a little love here and there, but I have alot more to figure out and alot more alone to be. 

I've always pushed myself and personality on others, forcing them to accept me, because being accepted was super important.  But now I'm fine, just fine being me, by myself.  This is a very odd feeling.  It's content and sad at the same time.  But at least no one is getting hurt.  I'm not breaking any promises and I have no responsibility to anyone.  So refreshing after years of trying sooo hard.  Even my friends see me differently as I walk with an ease I never did before.  I just stopped caring.  I dont care.  I don't at all.  I'm finally learning to take care of myself.  I don't need to be saved anymore, because I really do have all the tools to save myself.

Even Even sharing this makes me want to cry and scream and smile because I've never felt like this before.  Like I can be alone, in my own apartment, with a cat, with my guitar and my TV and I would be the perfect me.  I don't need a man to tell me who to be, or a mom to tell me what to do, or a boyfriend to tell me what to change.  Even around Christmas as romances become deeper or wither with the cold, I am totally completely excited to have no special someone to buy gifts for.  I'm not pining away for a hopeless dream or wishing the man I love, loved me better.  This year I'm buying myself a present, because I deserve for the first time something for myself.  This does not mean I do not care about others.  I have so much love inside I cannot even begin.  However I have for so long placed my future and my plans in the hands of others, never really taking charge,  Independence starts now.  I guess I'm grown up, or on my way. and let me tell you this it is wonderful.

Sometimes being selfish is okay, when it means getting your life together.  I thought I needed to get back everything I gave and it doesn't really work that way.  I can do this on my own.  And though I am so very fond and caring towards a past love, I feel like that burning won't go away, I am happy we expect nothing of each other but get everything from it.  I have lived and loved and I will again, when I am whole, when I am free, and when I'm totally, utterly, unexplainably, me.

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