Skip to main content

When I get you alone...

So I guess I feel like I may be finally recovering.  It has been a long road and one that has been twisty and full of giants rocks blocking me from the path, having said that, I believe I can now look forward. 

I have never in my life been too happy being alone...until now.  I guess I just realized you can't always turn to others to solve your problems or make you feel happy.  Happiness comes from within.  I have been very unhappy inside for a very long time.  I fooled myself to thinking I was happy in and out by being in a relationship.  I was, I really was, but I think I was hiding from really finding who I was by investing everything in someone else.  Now that I am on my own after some depression and despair, I finally feel alone but in a good way.  No one expects anything from me, which usually makes me depressed because I don't like feeling unimportant and like no one needs me.  But this time it is good.  I don't have any energy to spend on anyone else right now.  As john mayer says, "a perfect lonliness." I feel like as happy as others make me I've always struggled really being happy on my own, with myself, loving who I am.  I've hid behind barriers by trying to be too funny or too loud or just surrounding myself with fun people, but rarely did I ever look for what I wanted.  Being alone seemed like the worst tragedy because I usually cling to people so that I won't feel that way.  But now and today I am perfectly happy all of a sudden in not needing anyone at all.  I mean I probably do need a little love here and there, but I have alot more to figure out and alot more alone to be. 

I've always pushed myself and personality on others, forcing them to accept me, because being accepted was super important.  But now I'm fine, just fine being me, by myself.  This is a very odd feeling.  It's content and sad at the same time.  But at least no one is getting hurt.  I'm not breaking any promises and I have no responsibility to anyone.  So refreshing after years of trying sooo hard.  Even my friends see me differently as I walk with an ease I never did before.  I just stopped caring.  I dont care.  I don't at all.  I'm finally learning to take care of myself.  I don't need to be saved anymore, because I really do have all the tools to save myself.

Even Even sharing this makes me want to cry and scream and smile because I've never felt like this before.  Like I can be alone, in my own apartment, with a cat, with my guitar and my TV and I would be the perfect me.  I don't need a man to tell me who to be, or a mom to tell me what to do, or a boyfriend to tell me what to change.  Even around Christmas as romances become deeper or wither with the cold, I am totally completely excited to have no special someone to buy gifts for.  I'm not pining away for a hopeless dream or wishing the man I love, loved me better.  This year I'm buying myself a present, because I deserve for the first time something for myself.  This does not mean I do not care about others.  I have so much love inside I cannot even begin.  However I have for so long placed my future and my plans in the hands of others, never really taking charge,  Independence starts now.  I guess I'm grown up, or on my way. and let me tell you this it is wonderful.

Sometimes being selfish is okay, when it means getting your life together.  I thought I needed to get back everything I gave and it doesn't really work that way.  I can do this on my own.  And though I am so very fond and caring towards a past love, I feel like that burning won't go away, I am happy we expect nothing of each other but get everything from it.  I have lived and loved and I will again, when I am whole, when I am free, and when I'm totally, utterly, unexplainably, me.
3 comments

Popular posts from this blog

To be or not to be...different

Uh oh. Here comes another anecdotal and self-aware journal entry blog post. Yup. You guessed it. So, shall we?

via GIPHY
A lot has changed. New year, new President, new ban, new ideas...yet I am still me. New endeavors are in the midst.

I have since decreased most of my medications. And now I'm more me than I have been in 3 years. It's good and bad. I stopped therapy due to not having insurance but plan to go back once I find a new doc on my plan. Starting over....ugh. Not going to be fun.

But here I want to write down my struggle. I struggle to be who I think I need to be and who I am naturally. It's not about being cool or fitting in at this point. I already know I have a lot of "personality." About enough for two or three people. That's either your thing or it's not. Some call it quirky, unique, crazy, lots of different things. I've always had to edit myself in crowds and at work, in school...everywhere. That is why being on the stage was so easy for…

Candwich is back...back again!

The Candwich - Sandwich in a Can
The Candwich - Novelty? Gag Gift? Joke? Lunch? I'd say all of the above. This "sandwich in a can" is definitely silly and weird and I can't tell if it's the best thing in the world or the worst thing in world. Irregardless, I have had the opportunity of working with the Founder, Mark Kirkland, or as some call him the "Earl of Candwich." He is a genuine person and truly wants to give back and help "can" hunger. Mark is no stranger to controversy and has had his fair share of hiccups along the way in building his Candwich-opoly.

A Viral Sensation
Candwich went viral in 2010 when the New York Times broke the story about a rogue investor who ran a Ponzi Scheme and stole upwards of $145 million from creditors who wanted to invest in Mark One Foods Corp, Candwich's parent company. It took a long time to settle with creditors but Mark has successfully regained control of Candwich and wants to bring his sandwich in …

So this is thirty...

So this is thirty. I haven't been writing much because what you probably don't know is that my new job is to write. It's silly and something I fell into and I'd like for this blog and my many, many years of needing to express myself and tell stories to go into me finding this path. Once a storyteller, always a storyteller. I like to believe that this is true. Since I was young, I have had so much to say. More than most can keep up with. With that, I either entertained and wowed you or sent you running for the hills. Either way, I've learned from the cues and have worked to know where I fit in and when not to speak but when to write down. It started with journals, then poems, then songs, then this blog, more songs, and then I stopped. I transitioned from vomiting feelings on the page to thinking more strategically for an audience and thinking about my brand what I wanted to say to people who follow me. I don't know who realllly follows me, but if I w…