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Love love love, Crazy love...

I don't believe that there is just one person out there, for anyone.  There is no true love, there is no fairy tale.  This does not mean that I do not believe in love or passion or a great love, just that despite all the romance and movies and stories, we all must be realistic and live our lives in appreciation off "what is" than constantly break ourselves apart for what "we think it should be."

Throughout my life I have been in the middle of divorce, heartbreak and disappointment, but I have also been in love, completely infatuated, and loved in return.  All of that has brought me to where I am today, and I am in constant edit mode on finding new perspectives on love and life.

Trust may be the easiest AND the hardest thing for me.  Because I so easliy trust others and have high expecations, I easily get hurt and disappointed, so to over-compensate for that, I have trouble trusting and therefore I am sometimes not that reliable to others, for if they can't trust me I am not obligated to trust them.  This sometimes makes me seem afriad and timid to others on taking risks or being spontaneous,  BUT the truth is I am a little scared a little bit all of the time.  That I will...
      make the wrong decision
      hurt someone's feelings
      say the wrong thing
      be too selfless or selfish
      or just about anything really
and usualy because I am hyper sensitive and aware of these things, I am my own worst enemy and add drama to my own life where it doesn't need to be.  I limit myself and place rules on my actions because I like to follow a code, or something that keeps me in line.  I don't like doing whatever I want, whenever I want, because there's no direction in that.  It's way too whimisical and I like knowing what going to happen next so I can be prepared for it.  I fear the unexpected because I may not be ready, or okay with it. 

It's all of these things that affect my ability to love. To love anything or anyone, or be willing to make them important to me.  All my rules, morals and codes, I keep myself from being who I want to be.  I am not sure how or why, probably alot to do with my Catholic background or my mother's penchant for following delicately and undetected within very straight lines.  I pride myself for being a "good-girl" who doesn't want to ever to be a bad one, in all senses of that word.  I never want to be evil or infamous or notorious because whoever I want to affect I'd rather it be a positive thing.  However sometimes my RULES makes me a prude or a skeptic or a 'fraidy-cat or a naive little girl and people judge and sometimes it drives suitors far away.  Maybe its a wall, I'm trying to break it down, but letting someone in and getting hurt is a very large risk I try to avoid. 

I do not believe anyone should change themselves for anyone for any reason, but self-improvement is welcomed.  I feel like in any case, every case, I would love to better my personal best and self whilst keeping my true self intact.  My true wants and desires for love, entertaining, music, passion and all comes down to wanting to belong somewhere and be needed, the very core of my human existance...

belonging and making a difference to those whom I belong.

At least I know all of this now, without therapy even.  I know I overthink and over analyze but LOVE is a crazy love.  Well the good kind is any way.

I think I've felt it all.  What I would like to feel is vulnerable but in control, level and understood, and loved passionately even for all the silly things I am and do and say, while I try to grow up and out of some of them.  Someone who is inspired and inspires me and loves to laugh.

I think as I said before there is more than one person for everyone.  Everything you do in your life you do and choose based on your environment, given circumstances and your own code or set of rules.  A series of events and decisions lead you to who and what you love.  That could every well descibe fate or destiny or you take it as YOU make what happens to you in your life because of those decisions good and bad.  Sometimes we can't help who we love and sometimes we can.  Sometimes we mess it up because we are scared or selfish.  Sometimes we lose tragically what we always wanted.  It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.  But the point is at some point, you make the decision to Jump and when you do, it better be with the person that really sees You for who you are and appreciates the little things and helps you with the big things, someone who can sees you as God does, a child of the universe.

It is hard picking though. which person you should love.  Because even when it feels like we can't control it we still choose selfishly who we love.  That could be the "right" or "wrong" person for us, which I believe is no such thing.  You love for a reason, you just need to be honest to yourself about why you loved, why you stayed and why you left. 
---The guy who was an asshole also loved you passionately, you stayed until he cheated, it was the passion that kept you around, your choice. 
---The nice guy who did everything you asked and loved you and seemed perfect, bored you, and you cheated to get out of it, you choice.
---You got married because it was the next step, and you figured they were all you'd get, it failed, you end up alone, thinking you picked the "wrong" one due to youth or jealousy.
---Your loved one dies before you really got to marry, have kids, travel, *big event*, and you think it wasn't meant to be and something was stolen from you...

There's so many circumstances...but there is no right and wrong, there's only what you choose.  We can be upset with ourselves sometimes but owning up to your choices is probably smarter than whining about them.  We have more power over our futures than we allow ourselves credit because we want to believe there's something greater out there, some plan that we are supposed to follow that leads us to paradise or happiness.  But there isn't.  There's right now, there's today.  We are human and we do things selfishly and self-serving because it's what we do as animals to survive.  "So love who you love, and mean what you say"

"You a child of the universe, no less than the moon and the stars"...Desiderata
We are all connected somehow, be loving and understanding, but take care of yourself, which means sometimes being selfish or saying no.  And in the end whatever decisions you make will hopefully lead you to a journey of happiness and allow you to grab his or her hand and jump!
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