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Somewhere down the line it seems thats everything we thought we wanted and everything we thought was going to happen in our lives is completely different than that, the said plan. What do we do from here when our "planned" destinies are denied to us? We're supposed to want to do anything we can and fight for what we want. But what if what we want changes based on said failure.?! All I know is somehow in the grand scheme of this we think we know what we want, but we don't. Nobody really does because there are way to many variables in this life that effect the outcome. People have babies with people they don't love, couples are together because they are more afraid to be alone, governments try to take away our freedoms through additonal regulation, our workplaces deny us the raises we deserve and give the execs more power and money...

It really is funny. Since I was 5 I've wanted to be a movie star/entertainer/celebrity. Under those pretenses I did what ever i had to do to get attention and lead people to believe it was undeniable fact that I would one day become a superstar, extraoradinary. Being normal was far from what I wanted to be because I had something to prove. I needed to prove. Childhood was difficult with divorce, bullies, and I was basically the loner who just wanted to grow up already so I could get away from all the kid nonsense. But as I kept trying to be a good person and be wholesome and nice, and be a busybody that always cared what others were doing I isolated myself and was constant object of torment. Thinking that this whole time, I was better than these kids, and why didn't they just like me. Why was my life hell? I am not the only one who went through this and so I can't pout about it much longer. The point is to take it all and grow from it. What our relationships and mistakes teach us, take us to where we need to go from there.

I am so different than that liitle girl now, 5, wishing to be famous. Now I want to be grounded, loved, simple, but dress in style. I want luxury and simplicity. I truly want to just not worry so much about money, the plight of the bourgiousie...sigh...
When will we learn that we are not the elite? I should really stop pretending then that it fit in, in this Hollywood world. Granted I believe I've got the talent, but talent doesn't matter all that much in making money here, unless the right person stumbles upon you, in luck of course.

So in looking in all of this I have no idea any more what the fuck I want, who I want, or even sometimes what I need. In fact I don't feel like I know much of anything anymore...
Young woman, college graduate, single, 22.5, receptionist/actor/singer/ the dream

I am afraid of failure, afraid of success, afriad to find out what I want. I mean isn't this what our 20s for anyway? The unknown, figuring "it" out? Finding an elusive love...everyone is getting married, WTF...I want the real deal but I don't want to be forced to change my life or myself for someone else...marriage isn't something to be toyed with, why aren't the youguns getting that? It's not a joke, it's a covenant, its a promise and I only want to do that once.

Balancing love, and my career, whatever that is right now, is going to be difficult who ever it is I'm with. Point is to find someone accepting and someone who "gets" it and "gets" me. Plain and simple.

Other than that, I need to learn myself and love what's here. I've taken a large hit with this recent breakup but I will be okay. I really will, it's just change is hard, changing your heart is hard. Challenge is good and growing is good so I'm sure it will all be good in the end.

Now off to find out what I really want. Singing? Acting? a Family? Normalcy?

Time will tell, God please send down guidence and love if you will

love, alex
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