Monday, July 14, 2014

How to get rid of fleas from your home and cats

Now let me tell you right now, that getting fleas in your home and on your cats is very normal.  However it doesn't make it less gross or awful and friends who have never had pets will judge you and tell you it's all your fault and blah blah and those animal haters can go to hell.  Anywho, just know that hot weather brings out the worst in bugs as you all know and not all of us can afford to live in air conditioned condominiums.  No, some of us live in mid century complexes with holes in the original window screens, no A/C and a stray cat in the yard that won't go away because the lonely lady nearby won't stop feeding it.

So after all the googling and crying and vacuuming, I decided to share my process.  My two kitties are now treated and flea free and cuddly as ever.  even thought they hated the flea bath I can tell they know that I love them and cared for them even when they don't like water or being combed or dealing with all that mess.

I'm going to list this and they might not have to be done in this order, but the point is, it helps to have a friend/lover/best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse help you because it's a lot of work for one person to do, especially if you have a large apartment and with carpet.  I will give you my given circumstances so you can judge what you should adjust because everyone is different and every cat is different.  I've never had dogs or ferrets or any other animal with fleas so I'm just giving what I know and learned about treating my home and my two kitties who are 1 and 2 years old.

My apt:  No A/C, real hardwood floors, some rugs, couch with washable slipcovers. 2 bedroom, 1 bath, living room, kitchen

Steps in not necessarily this order:  The second you see a jumping speck....GET TO WORK, because it only gets worse...FAST!

1. Treat your pets ASAP! Bathe cats in flea shampoo or light sudsy dish soap, rinse thoroughly and once combed all the fleas out (put them in soapy water to die) make sure the cat is dry and then apply correct dosage of Advantage II based on age and size of cat. Cheaper on amazon. Do so ONCE monthly and no more than that.  Follow all instructions.  I choose Advantage because I know it works. I don't want to waste time using anything cheaper and risk that it not be instantaneously effective.  Seeing your cat(s) itching and in pain is not fun for them or for you, so treating them asap is imperative. Then whatever fleas are present, if they try to bite they will die and it prevents any more fleas from attaching on or laying eggs.  COMBING out the fleas ended up being on the best things I did! It got out the ones i couldn't see and saved my kitty from more bites and itches.  TO PREVENT ANY CAT from getting fleas in hot summer or humid months of the year always preemptively treat your pets.  It's worth the investment so that you don't have to add toxic chemicals to your home with flea bombs and will save you and your cat all the heartache and trouble.  Also One cat didn't mind the bath, the other made the most awful noises and cried and her heart was beating fast. You gotta do it, use towels to hold them, take them in the shower, make it work.  (I also keep my cats nails trimmed, I'm the boss in my cat home and they trust me, however, not all cats are this trusting) If you can afford it, many groomers do flea baths.

2. Wash everything humanly possible.  I don't care if you have to camp at the laundromat, anything that could have gotten clear un-seeable flea eggs on them which will hatch in 24 hours, you will want to kill instantly, not just with spray but with hot soapy water.  Sheets, pillows, curtains, slipcovers, towels, laundry, even laundry you already washed and left out is probably infested. You are not just worried about the jumping black specks...its the ones that aren't jumping yet that are the tiniest to spot and hardest to kill and hatch when you aren't paying attention.

3. Spray with home spray.  I used Sentry Home Spray It pretty much smells like Febreeze and worked.  I kept spraying on and off for two days and it did most of the work.  Couch corners, under couches, on bed legs, couch legs, anywhere your cat has been.  You can tell where the fleas hang out because there are little red/brown blood spots which are from the fleas.  They live off blood, so they excrete blood.  At least it's not "real poo" so wipe up all those red dots and flea spray the shit out of that area.  I'll be on my 3rd bottle of this spray and it has held up well and I bought it at Petco and then Amazon for the cheaper price.  Sometimes you gotta spend the extra bucks when you cannot wait that two days to get to delivered to your door. Make sure if you do a thorough spray that you let it settle and dry before you vacuum or sit or let your pets near the areas you sprayed.  It's not meant to be on Cats directly. There are separate sprays, shampoos, collars and such for the cat themselves.  Homesprays are only for your carpet and furniture.

4.  Dump out all litter.  Seriously the fleas will be in there.  It's where your cats sits and scrapes and hangs out.  Just dump it all out.  Wash each litter box with soapy hot water and rinse and dry with paper towels.  Then add fresh litter, aaaaaaahhhh that's better...says everyone (well especially the cats)

5. Throw out anything that can't be salvaged.  That ratty old rag you use sometimes...dump it.  Anything that's a cheap toy...corrugated cardboard...toss it.  Anything that won't survive a spray or flea bomb, just get rid of it.  You'll be happy you don't have fleas then if you keep it and think...GOD DAMMIT, IF ONLY I THREW OUT THAT CUTE LOBSTER TOY THAT NOW IS RIDDLED WITH FLEA LARVAE WEEEE, EEWW GROSS. I IMMEDIATELY REGRET BEING SENTIMENTAL ABOUT TOYS I THINK ARE MY CAT's FAVORITE.  You are a human and yes, we know you love your pets. Throw it out, your cat will be happier that it doesn't have fleas, you are the one who will be sad about the lobster, not them...

6. Vacuum. Vacuum. Vacuum.
Not kidding. The more you vacuum, the better. I PUT A FLEA COLLAR IN MY CANISTER VACCUM TO KILL ANYTHING I PICK UP JUST IN CASE.  Read about it on a blog, amazing advice. It's like I'm triple killing the fleas...take that, that's what you get fleas!

7. Kill any flea you see by smashing it with your nails or fingers, smashing or crushing.  The little ones are the hardest, the adults are crunchy. Vacuum. Vacuum. Mop. Vacuum. Spray. Spray. Vacuum. It's not over until it's over.  If you swat the flea away, you just freed it to lay eggs on your pillow...ew.

Some people take a 100% all natural approach which may take longer.  Do what you like, just know if you have pets, you need to keep them in mind.  Flea foggers and bombs put heavy toxic chemicals not just on places your pet goes but also on all of your stuff.  So while leaving the house for 12-24 hours to kill all the fleas seems like a good idea, it only goes where it goes...spraying allows you a lot more control over what places get treated and have a better chance of you killing off the infested sections.  I personally would avoid RAID products for inside the home.  Go to a Pet Store and ask an expert.  The point is to keep you and your pets flea free without poisoning yourself or them.  Be smart, ask for help, and you're doing a good job already if you googled this and are reading this article.  There are plenty of all natural products, things you can make yourself and many pet stores with all sorts of products.  Ask a groomer, they usually have a go to product they know that works.

8. Flea traps.  Not sure how these work yet, but I have some coming via Amazon.  Gonna set some up just to see if I catch any stragglers. (I'm thinking "A Bug's Life" Status, no matches though...)

My cats are flea free having done all of the above and a thorough thorough apartment cleaning. (I'm serious) I basically didn't sit down for 10 hours.  It was worth it.  Cats are happy, Momma is tired but happy and now it's just upkeep and making sure I treat the kitties with Advantage every month that it is hot and humid.  Cat proofing your apartment constantly is a good rule of thumb.  Fleas, bugs, bedbugs...they will come about from time to time, but the less stuff they have to make a home in the better.  My cats are indoor cats so this seemed like a fluke incident, but it does happen.  So if your cat is indoor/outdoor it is no question...ALWAYS TREAT WITH ADVANTAGE!

Questions? Tips? Add ons? Tweet me at @alexinhwood or comment here! Thanks friends and pet lovers!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Trich: Again and Again (Updated)

Shame. Not everyone knows the feeling of constant shame. Then again, I cannot speak for the masses.  There is a shame that one feels when it comes to their own body. I feel shame all of the time because I injure myself constantly. My hair pulling is obsessive and compulsive, so no, lazy advice giver, I cannot just stop when I wish to. I feel shame because I have a lot less hair. I am talking a lot. I am talking like I have to wear it in certain ways to avoid looking odd. I am talking, wash hair everyday so I don't pull more when it's more oily and textured. I am saying that my part is wider in three different parts. My boyfriend complains of feeling spiky hairs growing back when I rest my head on him.  I have to use endless amount of hairspray, clear mascara and sprays to keep my hair from standing straight up as it grows in patches. My hair doesn't sit comfortably in a pony tail because it is all sorts of odd right now. Odd as in thin, so its just doesn't have the bulk it once had.

Shame, real shame. I've done it to myself. But the sick pleasure in playing with my hair, which is something I have always done and enjoyed, took a turn when my hair textured changed, more grays appeared and my stress level was hiding beneath odd behaviors. I bite my nails, I count rhythms, I cut my cuticles until they bleed, I pluck my eyebrows incessantly, I rip fabric from my sweaters, I pick at my face, I pull mascara off of my eyelashes.  All of these things make me feel amazing while I am doing them. I feel like the obsession with perfection, cleanliness and general texture and touch are a part of it, mixed with a general affliction of anxiousness and a search for a balance in mood and comfort.

Writing about it makes them more real I guess. I had always considered them quirks. But nails and such can be mended, hair however takes a lot longer to grow and can really depress someone. I have always loved my hair and love to do manipulate it.  Braiding, curling, straightening, you name it. It's fun to do, but when you have half the amount you used to have it becomes a looming sadness that I am not what I once was.  Oddly, I don't care what other people think about it, because luckily it's not necessarily visible. Most people give me odd looks if I'm pulling or crazy braiding/twirling in public, but usually it's an at home thing...sort of.

my bald spot at home, braiding and unbraiding to keep hair up...
but then i pick out pieces because it feels fun 
to pull strands out of a braid or a pony tail...
and then I have to redo the braid or ponytail...
me all the time while watching TV...
I need to learn to knit...

I just started out loving to braid, comb with my fingers and play all day long and especially with newly styled soft hair. It was something I always did as a child and more and more as it got longer in high school. I want to stop. The release of pulling out a "bad-hair" is just so relieving though. I feel like I won something, I got the bad guy, but then I want to keep going to feel success more and more. But then I already hate myself and I am sad, but then I am happy because I like it. Most times I am not thinking this deeply about it, but I am writing out my feelings about it so I can acknowledge them and learn to let go.

I take an anti depressant and ADHD medication everyday and I feel much more neutral. My life has direction and a path instead of constant ups and downs and anger and sadness and happiness. My relationships and work have improved so I know it's a good thing. I wonder if the new focus can attribute to the pulling or of I am just more aware of it now especially because I know it's not just a quirk, it's something I want to stop.  But how to do it? How do you re train your brain to not seek the comfort it uses?  How can my hair become beautiful again? How can I love myself as I am and not pull out misguided imperfections?

I know that many many people suffer from this and it goes unnoticed and undiagnosed.  People think it's a habit or a tick and that you can just quit. But for many it's chronic and come and goes in waves alongside life struggles and hard times or sometimes when you are just bored.

Watching TV and driving long distances are my biggest enemy. You have hands with not much to do and time. I am working on those times the most by just stopping the behavior once I realize I am doing it. Usually a few minutes later, I don't ever realize I am doing it again. It truly is an OCD addiction and I am so shameful and so afraid that I will go too far and that I will need to get a pixie cut or wear a wig.  I do not have the chin for a pixie cut and I love my hair.  Not having it makes me obsessively sad. As I am going down this road, I might as well write about my struggle, so others know they are not alone.

Please feel free to email me at if you would like to share your stories or maybe chat about it.  Thank goodness for social media to help connect us all.  I think I would like to talk to other people about what they feel about it also.  No one I know has the same issue, but many know someone who has it but no one seems to talk about it.

Anxiety, depression, OCD, trich...sometimes I feel like an unlovable disaster...but I am not.  I have imperfections and I am working on acceptance of them in myself and others. While I have actual behavioral things to work on I know that I am someone with a large heart, full of compassion. I love unconditionally and truly want what is just and fair for everyone. I have faith that I can be better and have beautiful hair again.  I want to get rid of this shame.  Shame is not worth the pull.

FOR MORE INFO ON Trichotillomania


I'm back on

Viviscal Hair Growth Program, Extra Strength, Tablets 2 per day

Nature's Bounty Optimal Solutions Hair, Skin & Nails 5000mcg of Biotin, Caplets 3 per day

and I use filler fibers on my bald really helps me feel a lot better about my bad spots and make me not touch my hair...bec you have to wash your hands right away if you get fibers on your fingers.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

And then there was Nolan...

I have a new role in life.  I never knew what this would feel like.  I did help raise my brother, I was 10 after all when he was born.  I've given baths, changed diapers and babysat already for years.  It has been a little while however for a baby to be in my life, one that I will see often and be close to.  College years and after that haven't presented me with that many interactions with babies and I was hesitant that I would handle it well.

I waited, paced for hours.  Waiting for my sister to give birth.  At the beginning, I was in the room, but I couldn't stop crying.  I wasn't even sad or trying but the tears would not stop, I cannot watch my sister in pain.  So after many tears and some hefty contractions, she got the epidural and felt a lot better.  I was just happy she wouldn't be in that kind of constant pain anymore.

I waited with my brother and mother, and then my dad and then my friends.  It was a long day, but not as long as some first time mothers.  I received a text from my mother, who was pacing outside of the birthing suite, to the doctors and my sister's chagrin. BUT, I ran into the room and saw him.  Living and breathing Baby Nolan.  He was officially here and my sister did it, she really did it.  Her face was priceless and she was doing okay.  I cannot believe it was over, and that the real adventure is just beginning.

He is perfect.  He is aware, looking around, looking at me.  It was a feeling I can not really describe.  I am an Auntie now, and I will cherish that title.  I will spoil him and love him and teach him.  His hands and toes and ears and fingernails, all of those things, the details, the very humanness of him...I can't believe it.  He is finally here in all of our lives.  How will he change me?  How will he change others?  What is his mark on the world going to be?  So many things we do not know, but I am going to savor the moments and love him effortlessly.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Price of Feeling Beautiful

2010 - 110lbs
                                                                       2014 - 130lbs

From not healthy...

I can honestly say that I am happier now with my body than I have ever been. I used to have a flat stomach and my ribs would show. I thought I was beautiful. Even though people were always complimenting me on my small size, I was never quite content. I didn't feel like a healthy woman that loved herself. I was always hungry, anxious and set on maintaining this "perfect" ideal. When you constantly receive compliments on your small frame you start to develop a sort of disorder all of your own. One that is, to constantly maintain perfection, to constantly be what people admire. I felt that if was ever bloated or gained a pound, that everyone would notice. I was afraid people would say to me, What happened? You used to be so skinny? But when I got the help I needed in regards to my anxiety and depression, I did gain the weight I needed. It was and has been a struggle to adjust to my new curves and no longer perfectly flat stomach. But I am so much happier and appreciative of my new physique. I take pride that I have more energy to go to the gym and it feels like a reward to take care of myself. I have more muscle and yes I weigh more than I used to, but I realized that the number doesn't matter. I don't care what size I wear anymore, I care about what makes me feel good. I go shopping now and I too, get discouraged. I try on the size I used to be, and then I think, well shit, what was I thinking, I'm not a miniature person anymore. I look at teen clothes and they look minuscule, but I used to shop there, well into my 20's. But now, I grab the medium or the Large or even the size 6 or 8 and think, I don't even care, I just want it to fit well. Sometimes I can't find a single flattering thing and sometimes I get lucky. Why is it that women feel like we are supposed to look good in everything. That's really impossible. I would rather be me than a clotheshorse, than a 5'10" model, yes any day I'd rather be me. It took a long time to be okay with being normal. It took a long time to love myself. Once I STOPPED being so harsh on myself, I realized that comparing and hoping and wishing to be like anyone else was just ridiculous. I hope women can learn to love themselves more and more as I have. The older I get the more I enjoy how my body changes. I am still struggling with pulling out my hair but I am working on it everyday. I do feel ashamed and dumb that I can't seem to kick the habit. Even typing this, helps to keep my hands busy, which means that I am not pulling. We all have flaws. But I've learned to not persecute myself so harshly to just acknowledge that I may not do everything the way I wish, but I can grow and evolve and become better every day. The Price of feeling beautiful is free. You just have to do the work, and to stop seeing yourself through a distorted lens. Embrace each unique part of you and love it. The more confident and accepting you are of those parts, the more others will follow suit. You attract what you are, so LOVE yourself, expand your vision of beauty, forgive yourself of flaws and imperfections, embrace your individuality, experience your own vision of sexy... ...then you will ACHIEVE LOVE and be able to give it and be able to accomplish wellness.

Sometimes skinnier ISNT BETTER.  Sometimes it means you need to assess what is keeping you from eating, why you aren't happy, and what you can do to change for the better. <3

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Trich (Hair Pulling) - My struggle goes on

Right now I feel tingling. On my scalp. I do not feel stressed but my hands want to pull.  They want to sort out the bad hairs and feel victorious once I free them from their prison, my head.  I feel instant joy and then instant disappointment that I've done this again, and again throughout the day. I needed that hair that took two years to grow and now its gone.  But I want to keep going, because its soothing.  To pick out perfections, to make myself more perfect.  I don't cognitively access this, I just behaviorally, unconsciously do.  All day long I go through this cycle.  Feeling, pulling..happy, sad, disappointment.  I feel more perfect, yet more ugly, because I've done what you shouldn't... I hate it, I hate myself for doing it but I keep going.

Right now I'm typing, but my head is tingling and I'd rather stop typing and start twirling my hair...and if I find a bad one, a course hair I will pull it out and feel successful.  It's sad.  I hate it.

But why do I want to do it so badly?  Why is it so awesome, yet so awful.  I'm getting a haircut on Friday so I can start fresh for the 3rd time.  3rd time I've gotten a haircut to fix what I've ruined.  This way I wont look at myself frustrated, mad and angry that I've made my hair look uneven and I always feel disgusting.  I want to grow my hair long, but right now I'm trying to even out the unevenness.  It's not pretty, well not to me.

I want to wash my hair everyday now, sometimes multiple times.  To start over, to feel clean, to reset my scalp because after a shower I haven't pulled yet and I feel like I don't have an issue, until I do and then it's all downhill from there.  It literally is like an itch you can't scratch.

Now, I've alllllways played with my hair and twirled and braided but it wasn't until the texture changed that i started pulling.  It's been a year now and luckily I can hide it mostly, but it there, people notice and people comment on my pulling out my hair.  Whats even worse is that after I pull, I curl it with my teeth.  I feel the hair and the coarseness and then curl it like a ribbon in scissors.  It's become such an odd habit but I do it anyway and people have pointed out that that is weird as fuck.  It's true, it is.

I guess I have worked on my anxiousness in many ways.  Therapy, meds, stomach problems have ceased.  But it seems my anxious energies get out in this malignant form that's common in women in their late twenties. I'm hoping that writing this out will help me acknowledge this very real problem and not let me pretend it's not a big deal.  It's affecting my life, how people view me and my ability to grow out my hair and feel beautiful.

I am not unhappy, I am great. But this is hurting me. I am hurting myself.  I used to have awesome long hair and now I am just trying to fix it all the time.  I'm hoping that this haircut, this time and some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help me overcome and crack the habit.

Has anyone reading had any issues with this or found something that was successful for them? Please share/email/tweet me!


Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Aging is Awesomer than you think

I think people have it all wrong.  Youth is admired yes, a youthful appearance is nice, I guess.  But man do I enjoy getting older.  I love being wiser and understanding things more deeply.  I love being able to walk away from negative people and situations.  I love not wanting to fit in as badly, because it's not the end of the world, but at 16, it really was.

I dislike it when people say they wish they could back to high school.  Of course the people who say that were probably on a sports team or really popular....because NO ONE wants to go back to high school.  Yes breasts were perkier, libidos stronger and cliques more powerful but I am so happy to be beyond all of that.

When I was in high school, all I wanted was to belong, look mature and to be able to be free.  I was not independent like some kids are.  I was sheltered and afraid of pretty much everything.  I was singing Mandy Moore songs in the mirror and trying to look older with terrible makeup. I wanted to be admired by boys and I wanted to be invited to things, to belong, to be cool.

That's pretty typical.  Being a teenager has its ups and downs but I would never want to be younger again!  I remember asking my mother, "Mom? Will I always look like this?  Will I really look like a woman one day?"   She assured me that I would indeed mature and that being youthful for now was a good thing.  No one wants to grow up too fast.  I really felt like a little kid for a long time.  I didn't drive until I was a sophomore in college. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 21.  I'm what you call, a late bloomer, in every way.

While I took longer than others to mature, I can say now at 27.5 years old, I LOVE my age, my body and my mind.  It's taken me this long to love myself.  I finally do not feel like a little boy.  I have grown into myself and each day my mind understands and evolves.  I for one, have done the work however, on self-love.

Self-love should be your greatest love story.  It should be more important than how many people admire you, how many boyfriends you have or how many Facebook likes validate your identity.  Your brain is not fully mature until after 25.  Let me say that again, YOUR BRAIN IS NOT FULLY MATURE UNTIL AFTER 25!  So yeah, all those choices you've made, they were choices but also know you may reap consequences for them.  I have always known I wouldn't marry young, and in that I want to love myself and know myself before I commit my life to another being.  Life, with all of its turbulence, it can make a person do and feel crazy things.  We are in fact human to not always pick and do the right thing, but the point is now to love yourself.

Beauty is in aging.  What you may think is your greatest flaw, is probably your most unique factor.  Imagine what and who you could be and become if you embraced your uniqueness, instead of tearing yourself down.  Why must we all emulate the photo-shopped unrealistic images we see, when that is not beauty, but it is what we are told is to be desired.  Imagine if we didn't want to be Barbie; imagine we honored our health and our brains more than frailty and exterior beauty.

I look in the mirror now and I see the woman I always wanted to be.  I see freckles in some places, dimples in others.  I see muscles I could tone more and a stomach I could tighten, but I know that this person is me, and it's all I'm ever going to be, ME.  How I take care of my body is on me.  I choose to cherish it, nurture it and respect it as I age, evolve, grow.

I encourage my readers to look in the mirror each day and say 3 things that are positive about yourself! DO it! Try it! Imagine what that is like, to praise yourself for your unique qualities.  They aren't flaws, they are you.  Loving yourself is probably going to be a great journey.  It's not how other people view you that is important.  And if that is most important to you then something isn't working.  Don't give everyone else the power to tell you who you are.  YOU are in charge.  You are beautiful. You are you.

So test yourselves, for a few days, a week, hell, even for Lent.  3 things daily, that you love about yourself.

I'll start....

I love my breasts

I love my expressive personality

I love my willingness to change...


Monday, March 3, 2014

POSHMARK: Buying and Selling Your Closet

Hey Alexinhwood Fans!

I am selling things from my personal closet!  Poshmark is an amazing platform for one to do so.  I have already sold and bought a few items and I could not be happier.  I am excited to Posh more and more!

Check out my items and get the APP! It's great and easy to use and there are awesome products on the site.  From Coach to Michael Kors to anything you can think of!  Add me and I'll add you back!!

Happy Selling and Happy Buying!!


Friday, February 28, 2014

Stream of Consciousness

I read an article recently having to do with being in love with love.  Or chasing that feeling of drama and excitement and dating people you know are wrong for you.  Then you get all upset that they don't treat you right and you can do better; but you torture yourself because it's love, right? RIGHT? Doubtful.  There are so many different forms of love.  How do you know for sure its the good kind, the right kind, is there a right kind of love?  I know there's healthy and unhealthy love, but what is the best kind and can it last?

I used to be afraid to find my person.  I wanted it so badly, but in my mind also I was terrified because, when the search is over, are you bored? Relieved? Stuck? Happy?

A lot of my life has been encloaked in fear.  As a kid and also as an adult, I had to learn face it straight on, versus cowering and running away and feeling that feeling where you really wish you could avoid the trouble and disappear completely.  This somehow taught me to be depressed and feel trapped all of the time.  I felt that the world was against me, crushing me, hating me.  But it was how I was addressing the world that kept me so low.  It was how my brain perceives pain, interactions and ultimately, the intensity of emotions.  My brain accentuates the emotions to an unrealistic and unmanageable level.  I have spent my young adult life, testing and trying to make this easier for me and others with therapy and medication.  Some people just need regulators and I am one of those people.  I am not damaged or crazy, I just need some direction, some calm added to my overactive emotions.

Now that I feel like I have handle on things, I feel sometimes that I don't feel enough.  I've spent 27 years overwhelming myself and everyone around me and now I'm just fine. FINE.  Fine is boring, okay is boring. BUT it is manageable and I'm not constantly angry and hating everything, and I am not crying for no reason

Its a learning time, a confusing time..  I know so much more about what I need from myself and from others.  I guess I am lucky that way so I know so much, that I've done the work.  Some never do it, and some don't until way later in life.  I am so aware, sometimes I am taken out of the present, because I'm busy processing.  So I try to be mindful of my actions and thoughts but also exist more in the present so I can enjoy my experiences as they happen.

I am still ripping out my hair.  I cannot figure out how to stop.  I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.  I can't decide if I am punishing myself or if its really just stress and anxiety coming out one way or another.  My fear is that I will have terrible ugly hair and that I won't be able to hide what I have done.  I'm so scared but I cannot stop.

I feel like I am okay.  I'm not unhappy.  But something is off again.  I can't pin point what it is.  My body needs some attention...I need something... I don't know what it is.  But something is off...

Somehow I am not connecting, and I am not sure how to re-engage.  I am open about my needs mostly, but I don't feel like that they are being attuned to.  There's a distance and there's a closeness I crave from the one that is near, but isn't.  maybe that's where all the anxiety is from...I'm giving all of myself....again...and I'm not sure what I am getting is enough.   Will anyone be able to give me what I need?  Am I even worthy?  Why am I so willing to give and others so afraid?  Why am I always exhausted?


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